Saturday, May 9, 2015


Pardon my silence.

I think my momentum left with my hair.

My 3rd chemo treatment was a rough one. I was VERY sick for a whole week after...sicker than I have been so far. And even after I started to feel better, I still didn't feel great. Today is probably the best I've felt in a while and I'm still very tired and weak. I feel really sick, and I'm starting to look sick. And when I see myself in the mirror, I'm reminded of how weak I am right now.

I have been counting down the days and the treatments, calculating in my head when surgery will be and when I will be active again after surgery. I'm dreaming about the finish line before I have even made it up the hill. Chemo is just the first step in my treatment and I'm only halfway finished with that. I have a long road ahead and I have been feeling very discouraged lately. That I can't do this.....that I don't want to do this....that I shouldn't do this. But then I remember that I don't really have any other options.

"Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well developed, not deficient in any way." James 1:2-4 The Message

I've been trying to get out prematurely. 

I say all this not to be a downer, but because I don't want to give the impression that I'm brave all the time. I'm certainly not. I'm not a hero, and I'm not a rockstar. I'm not strong. I'm just a person, backed into a corner, with a will to live strong enough to seek treatment for a terminal illness. I go to chemo every 3 weeks not because I have super powers, but because I want to watch my girls grow up and graduate and get married and have babies (and because I have a husband shoving me through the doors of the doctor's office).

If seeing your 6 year old daughter with a hot pink piece of paper on the back of her t shirt saying she is racing for her mommy at the Breast Cancer Walk isn't reason enough to get up everyday and fight this disease, then I don't know what is.

We have walked the Susan G Komen Race for a Cure in Atlanta for many, many years, beginning when my grandmother (Mimi) was diagnosed with breast cancer about 16 years ago. We used to all do the 5k together and over the years we kind of slowly dwindled off and haven't done it in a few years. This year we signed up for the 1 mile walk, mainly because I didn't know if a week after chemo I would be feeling up to the 5k or not. The breast cancer survivors all get pink t shirts that are a little different than the other race day shirts, and this year Mimi and I both got a Survivor shirt.

All those years Mimi walked through the Survivor line alone as we cheered her on and this year I walked through with her. It was emotional, amazing, infuriating, depressing, inspiring, fun, and motivating all at the same time. I'm thankful she traveled the road before me, but still pretty angry that it's our road.

Can you be grateful and pissed off at the same time?

If Race for the Cure didn't exist, I probably wouldn't have hope. Breast cancer research, awareness, and support is vital to increasing survival rates. My specific type of cancer is very aggressive and was not treatable not very long ago. But I learned from ultrasound a few weeks ago that my one, very large tumor, has shrunk down to a few very small spots. Yes, I'm sick.....but it's working.

This race came at just the right time in my treatment. I was feeling very down and discouraged, and putting on a hot pink t-shirt that says "Survivor" on it was just the motivation I needed to put my head down, focus, and keep trucking. Seeing all the other breast cancer survivors, feeling at home with my shaved head, and realizing that I'm not alone, really is comforting. If these other women can do it, then I can too.

My amazing friend Ashley had a purple sign made that says "suck it cancer". So proud to walk with all of these friends and family members today. I'm so blessed.

God is so good. Just about the time I start to cry out and say, ok, I can't do this, throw me a bone here.....He does. When I admit my weakness, He displays His strength.

Mark said to me today, not actually talking about me but talking about himself, but I feel I should quote him anyway because it was so true for me as well...."if we don't let the emotion happen, then there isn't anything for God to redeem". If I stay strong stay strong stay strong....then where does His strength come in? But if I mourn, weep, and cry out, then He is faithful to answer. But we must declare our dependence on Him. We must admit that we are not enough.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9

I'm angry that my 6 year old has to know what breast cancer is. I'm angry that my girls run up and kiss and pat my bald head 10 times a day. I'm angry that my husband is on bedtime duty alone most nights because I'm too tired and sick to help. I'm angry that Mimi and I have the pink shirts and not the white ones. I'm angry that I look and feel ten years older than I did 3 months ago.

But He is faithful. And He is good enough to redeem my anger. He will turn my mourning into dancing. He has done it before for me.

"He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God." Psalm 40:3

"The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them, He delivers them from all their troubles." Psalm 34:17


kim said...

Nothing to say but I love you and would even hug you. ;) said...

Jana and Mark, I always knew you two were special, and there is certainly no doubt now. I am praying for you, and the church I attend is also praying. My admiration soars for you both, and I am encouraged when I think of your dependence on God through this extremely difficult journey. May God bless you with every blessing! Love, Cynthia Campbell (retired LCS English teacher)

Marie Williams said...

God is God and He does not change. You are a healthy young woman: "By his stripes we are healed." I can't fathom the depth of despair you must feel at times. All I can do is offer help-- I'll cook or clean or babysit. Call me. 770-461-6704