Although my chemotherapy treatment was very effective, and the small amount of my tumor that remained was taken out during surgery, my surgeon and two oncologists agreed that I should undergo radiation treatment. Mainly because the cancer had spread to my skin, but also because the size of my tumor initially was so large. There are a lot of risks associated with all of my cancer treatment, and radiation is no different. A second form of cancer is a risk with radiation, and I am at higher risk for this since I am so young and my cells are more susceptible to damage.
I haven't blogged in a while because I haven't been sure what to say. I would like to say that I am feeling better and healthy and my fears are gone. But I'm not and they are not. I'm tired ALL the time, my hormones are completely out of wack, my immune system sucks, and all I do is worry about the future and whether the cancer will come back or not. Instead of blogging the truth, I've remained silent. Because no one wants to hear how hard this is and that I burst into tears far too often.
But, among the many things I have learned on this journey, speaking what I really feel is always the best option. I shouldn't hide my concerns and my fears, I should voice them. Because when I voice them, then dear friends and family can come behind me and say, "No, that is not the Lord's plan for you. You are healed" or, "You will be rewarded for this" or "This is not in vain". When my fears are out in the open, they don't seem so scary anymore. They no longer have power over me.
I have seen the Lord's goodness and faithfulness every day, and yet still I doubt His sovereignty and His plan for me. Because I don't know that His plan is for me to live. I don't know the way that I will die, and cancer could very well be the cause. I know His plan for me is good.....but that does not mean I am spared a death from cancer. And honestly, that has been my biggest struggle through all of this. That even though His plan is good, it is not free of pain and heartache. Yes, in the end, it will all be redeemed. And through our pain and suffering, He gets the glory. But why does someone have to have cancer for Him to get glory? This is my daily struggle with Him. I will continue to point to Him through this, and I see blessings and good coming from it every day, but I still don't understand it, and I admit that I probably never will.
"I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind."
This was the covenant between the Lord and Noah, when He promised never to destroy the earth again through a flood. The rainbow served as a reminder, a reassurance, a promise....that whenever the rain started to fall, it would not end with destruction. The rain would stop eventually.
I have been asking the Lord for my rainbow. For a sign from Him, a reassurance, an encouragement, a promise, that I have no reason to fear. That this flood I am in will not destroy me.