Thursday, May 13, 2010


It was a difficult weekend. Mother's Day was harder than I thought. I am a mother, and I get to celebrate that, but it makes me miss and long for the babies that I lost. Mark and Lucy gave me extra love and pampering that day, and it made me feel a lot better. It was bittersweet to say the least. Monday was met with the doctor's appointment I've been dreading. I don't know why I've been dreading it, I guess the fear of starting over? We did get some fairly good news though. We didn't do near as much testing as I thought, which is good, because I wanted to be on the conservative side. And my doctor is fairly confident some basic treatment will be sufficient for the next pregnancy. Right now I'm taking baby aspirin daily, and will start progesterone as soon as I get pregnant again. Which brings me to that.....I'm afraid of being pregnant again. Like, terrified. I WANT to be pregnant, but I'm afraid to be. There won't be near as much celebration this next time I found out I'm expecting. I hate that. I hate that I have been robbed of my joy.

I don't want to sound whiny, because I DO realize my blessings. Throughout this journey, I've connected with a lot of women who have experienced multiple losses, and so many have it far worse than I do. Women who have had 8 miscarriages and don't have any living children....I cannot imagine. I am SO blessed to be a mother. Sometimes I get caught up in what I don't have, that I forget what I do have, a beautiful, lively, brilliant, almost two year old who makes me smile when I feel like crying. And I need to relish in this moment with her, because I know it's going to go by too fast. I want to teach her what the Lord has taught me through suffering and pain, I want to prepare her for life, prepare her heart for what Christ has planned for her. I want to "bring her up in the training and instruction of the Lord" as Ephesians says. And I can't do that if I'm crying in the corner, afraid of what life will hand me next.

So we're going to take it one step at a time, we're going to keep trying, even if it hurts. Because its worth it. I would have 10 miscarriages if at the end of them I got Lucy. And I'll have 10 now to get our next child. We'll keep trying until the Lord tells us we're done. But for now, He's saying, keep going, have faith. So we will. Because what He has planned for us is SO much better than what we have planned.


molly said...

Janna I am so choked up right now-trying not to cry at my desk at work-I did enough of that last week=(. Thank you for this post

Chris and Abby said...

I'm right there with you Molly... sitting at my desk holding back the tears. Janna, I love you and am praying for you and Mark as you go through all of this. Thank you for being so open and vulnerable.

Laura said...

Since I just recently started following your blog, let me first start by saying that Lucy is absolutely beautiful! I see that she gets it from her mommy. :)

I'm glad to hear that you feel like you were really able to be on the same page as your doctor. The baby aspirin and progesterone seemed to work for us this time, so I hope that it does for you as well (though I admit that we did the exact same thing in our third loss). Like you said, it's all about listening to God when He says "Keep going and have faith". Praying for you!