tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-78323978038767293352024-03-14T01:20:57.810-04:00 The Campbell House"...but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord."Jannahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17139107439384642530noreply@blogger.comBlogger359125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7832397803876729335.post-46534584360056194922016-02-03T22:23:00.000-05:002016-02-03T22:23:24.221-05:0010 Things I learned in 2015While I don't want to spend too much time dwelling on the past year, I do feel the need to write and express the things that stood out to me. It was A. Crazy. Year. But I think we can all agree that when we walk through valleys we come out the other side full of new experiences, perspectives, and wisdom. So straight to it, the top ten things I learned in this valley of 2015:<br />
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<b>10. I'm not defined by my body or appearance. </b></div>
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Take a young, semi-confident woman, shave her bald and cut off her boobs and you'll watch her confidence go with her hair. This was a hard lesson to learn this year! I didn't realize how vain I was or how much thought I put into my appearance until my appearance was taken from me. Sure, my hair is growing back, and I will have reconstruction hopefully in the next month, but I have a lot of scars, and I can tell physically that I'll just never be the same. Thank goodness there is more to me than my body and the way that I look! I still love taking care of myself and wearing make up and being a woman, but I no longer stress about the way my body looks in clothes or if my hair is having a crazy day. Walk it off. You're bigger than that.</div>
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<b>9. I'm stronger than I thought.</b></div>
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I'm not giving myself credit here, because as I've already said, it was the Lord and my friends and family who pulled me through this past year. BUT, the mental game is huge, especially when fighting cancer, and it turns out my mental game is strong. Well, either strong or stubborn. Maybe a healthy dose of both.</div>
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<b>8. Life in community is better than life alone.</b></div>
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I can't stress this enough, and yet it also seems I can't drill this into my <strike>strong</strike> stubborn mind either. Just this past week we had to start a new small group at church, all new people starting over with all new stories and I didn't want to go! Mark practically had to drag me. Even though our past small groups have been the bomb and so worth it, I just wanted to stay home. But really....I've learned my lesson. I know life in community is better. It's how God created us. Even if I don't want to admit it and sometimes I end up rocking in the fetal position in the corner from social overload.</div>
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<b>7. We can all relate to heartache.</b></div>
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Pain is pain, and grief is grief, no matter the form it comes in. Whether it's a miscarriage, depression, the death of a friend or family member, an emotional wound, a divorce, or a cancer diagnosis, it all hurts, and every hurt counts. Your hurt might not be the same as mine, but it matters just as much, and we can lean on each other and carry each other through all the different circumstances that make our hearts ache.</div>
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<b>6. My time is more valuable than I realized.</b></div>
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The mom, wife, homemaker job isn't exactly high paying. In fact, I earn approximately zero dollars taking care of my kids, husband and house. Rewarding? YES. But I don't get a lot of praise for it and sometimes I wonder how valuable I actually am at home. This past year I realized how much I actually do, and I think my husband and kids realized it too. At one particular meeting I was having with my friend Libby, while we were coordinating all the meals and childcare and cleaning for the week, she said to me, "look at all these different people we are having to get just to do your job." When I saw that it took 10 people to fill in for one mom (me), it made me feel pretty good. There is a lot that goes on unseen and isn't always appreciated, but now I see how much value is in it and how much would go undone if I didn't do it.</div>
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<b>5. I really really enjoy writing.</b></div>
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I've always enjoyed blogging, and I've kept a journal pretty much my whole life. But I never thought I had anything important to say publicly. This year blogging and journaling became such a necessary outlet for me that I realized how much I really enjoy writing. I hope this can be a starting point for something more. Whatever that may look like, I know that I want to write more and make time for it in my life.</div>
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<b>4. No one is immune to suffering.</b></div>
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I used to think that because x, y, z happened to me, then nothing else would. And since I did x, y, z, then my life wouldn't necessarily be perfect, but it would probably be free of major heartache and difficulty. HA! That's hilarious and so stupid and illogical. But I admit, deep down, it's what I thought. The suffering I have experienced in my life is a teeny tiny blip on the radar compared to a lot of people, and I know that. But I used to think that since my parents divorced when I was young and I had miscarriages and didn't have a perfect life, then I was immune to something major. I thought I already experienced my "something major" so I'm good now. Unfortunately, the world doesn't keep tabs on what's happened to you in the past, and life is hard sometimes. It might be easy for a while, and I pray it is, but just because <a href="http://markandjanna.blogspot.com/2015/03/the-beginning.html" target="_blank">I've had cancer now</a> doesn't mean the rest of my life will be a cakewalk. Although I'll certainly take it if it is.</div>
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<b>3. I have rockstar friends.</b></div>
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I mean, its ridiculous you guys. I can't even explain. <a href="http://markandjanna.blogspot.com/2015/11/thank-you.html" target="_blank">I tried to, in that one post</a>, but that wasn't even the tip of the iceberg. There were so many people I didn't mention who gave selflessly of themselves, of their time, money, and resources just for our little family. It's so humbling. And my closest friends are the best ones there are. Like, seriously. I feel sorry for you that they are my friends and not your friends because they really are the best. But not that sorry because they're mine.</div>
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<b>2. I have a rockstar husband.</b></div>
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I already knew he was a gem. But this past year proved it even more. He officially upped his status to rockstar. All of the unseen things that he did for me and for our family, without appreciation, and most of the time with me whining/crying about something. He was such a faithful servant to all of us and I hope I can spend the rest of my life making it up to him.</div>
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<b>1. God is always faithful, and He can be trusted.</b></div>
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This was a hard lesson to learn. Because of COURSE God is faithful, but as I wrote about in another post, just because I trust him, doesn't mean I'm going to get what I want. And that's a hard thing to accept. I'll be honest, this is something I am still working out with my Heavenly Father and something that continues to be woven into my everyday battle. Trusting in Him, relinquishing my plans, submitting to His. And while this past year certainly gave me a shove in the right direction, unclenching my hands to His will for my life has to be done every single morning.<br />
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Looking forward to 2016 and all the learning and living and loving He has planned.<br />
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<i>"Surely then you will lift up your face without blemish; you will be secure and will not fear. You will forget your misery; you will remember it as waters that have passed away. And your life will be brighter than the noonday; its darkness will be like the morning. And you will feel secure, because there is hope; you will look around and take your rest in security." - Job 11:15-18</i></div>
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Jannahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17139107439384642530noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7832397803876729335.post-78762115432442780432016-01-07T23:22:00.000-05:002016-01-07T23:22:10.912-05:00One Word for 2016As most of you know, I'm not one to make resolutions. I don't like setting myself up for failure. Also I think it's cliche and I like to believe I'm too cool to jump on that bandwagon. But really it's just laziness and my pride that hold me back. <div>
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So instead of a list of all the things I want to do and be this year (although I certainly have some goals in mind) I've been focusing on a word. A word that can sum up my actions and goals and allow me to hone in on what must be done vs. what can wait for another season. So get ready.....my word for 2016 is:</div>
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<b>HEALING</b>.</div>
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Obviously, physical healing from everything my body has been through. I'm still very fatigued from the chemo and radiation, but I also had a very major surgery and am having another one in the next month or so, and it's important for me to focus on what my body is telling me. If I'm tired, then I need to rest. Which means I'll have to let some other things go. But if my focus is on healing, then I can be confident that resting is more important than whatever is on my to do list. Also, that means I need to take care of my body, exercise and eat well. I'm not going to be legalistic about it, but I am going to make an effort to give my body all the things it needs to function at its best.</div>
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We are all pretty scarred emotionally from this past year. Our family needs healing. The girls need special one on one time with me to make up for all the time we lost. Mark and I need to prioritize dates so our relationship can heal. (Not that it's broken, but what we went through can leave some pretty serious scars). Healing together as a family will be a big priority for me this year, and doing whatever it takes to make us feel whole and healthy and together are things that will take center stage. </div>
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I love my little family so much.</div>
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I also have some healing to do spiritually and individually. With my own thoughts, but also with the conversations that happen with my Heavenly Father. The mending that needs to be done cannot be done by me. But I feel I also have the responsibility to take my thoughts captive, to spend time reading truth, to memorize and repeat scripture, and to continue to pour my heart out to Jesus on a daily basis. That's all on me. Thankfully, Jesus fills in the gaps and can mend what has been broken as only He can do. </div>
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<b><i>"You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy"</i></b></div>
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Picking one word for 2016 allows me to target what is important and drown out the noise of what is not. In other seasons, healing will not be a priority for me, but I feel like the Lord has spoken this word to me for this year and I'm clinging to it. I'm recognizing the season that I'm in, and instead of wishing for the next season and wanting more and waiting for the future, I'm going to accept where I am now, enjoy it, embrace it, and give thanks for it.</div>
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In order for me to really focus on <b>Healing</b>, there is a word I need to reject this year. This word will not allow me to heal, and therefore will have no place in my life in 2016:</div>
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<b>Fear</b>.</div>
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I will trust. I will heal. I will not fear.</div>
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And that's all the talk that word deserves.</div>
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The understatement of the century would be to call 2015 a difficult year. I could focus on all the things I lost in 2015, but that would just bring hurt instead of healing. Honestly, this year was a blur. I was barely coming out of the new baby/four kids/life is crazy fog when I was diagnosed. And then my whole day to day life became about cancer. When I look back, this will always be the "cancer year". Because there isn't really another way to describe it. But what I experienced this year is so much more than that. There were so many blessings and so much good out of this trial. But it's a relief to have 2015 over. I'm so ready to move on and put this behind me. I don't want it to define me. I want to be about more than just cancer. I want this to be a hurdle I had to overcome, not the definition of who I am.</div>
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I'm ready for you 2016. Bring on the healing. Cast out all fear.</div>
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Jannahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17139107439384642530noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7832397803876729335.post-84748463385054942892015-11-10T10:40:00.000-05:002016-02-25T16:46:22.838-05:00Thank You<b>It takes a village to raise a child....but it also takes a village to survive cancer. </b><br />
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Especially when you have a husband, a house, and four kids to take care of (oh and a dog).<br />
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This post has taken me a while to put together because a) I wasn't quite sure how to go about thanking the hundreds of people that pulled us through cancer treatment, b) I didn't want anyone to get their feelings hurt if I forgot to mention them, and c) I'm just now getting out of the fog and realizing that this would not have been possible without these people.<br />
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You may not know these people, but I'm going to mention them by name anyway. Because they deserve the credit, and also because we can all draw inspiration from them the next time we know someone who is hurting or needs our help.<br />
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<b>My family.</b><br />
My mom - who babysat countless times, who brought us dinner/groceries/diapers, but was often the one who drove me to and from chemo and sat with me in the infusion room for 7 hours. She took me to more doctor's appointments than anyone else, apart from maybe Mark. Her presence and support of ME, individually, during this time, is proof alone of how strong a mother's love is.<br />
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My dad and my Mimi - for bringing countless lunches, groceries, and dinners....and for being my primary babysitters during radiation. For constantly being present week after week at my house. For advocating for me and knowing what I needed when I was too prideful or sick to ask. For driving me to doctor appointments and talking to me to distract me while I got poked and prodded and stuck.<br />
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My mother in law and father in law - without these two people, who knows what would have happened to my kids. It is only because of them that my girls were loved, cared for, and came out of this whole thing with very little damage. I never once worried about my girls while they were with my in-laws. They kept the girls more than everyone else combined, and for that, I am forever grateful.<br />
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My stepmom - who was an advocate for my medical care and provided me with resources and a VIP status at Northside Hospital. Without her presence and knowledge at Northside, I wouldn't have gotten the amazing doctors and medical care that I did. She also worked every Saturday so that she could take off work on Thursdays and come take care of the girls. She also provided me with my rockin' wig....who has still yet to be named.<br />
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My sister in laws - one from afar, and one from close by. Meredith babysat and provided meals for us all while working full time and taking care of her own family. Molly sent care packages and gift cards for meals, also while working full time and taking care of her own family. They also both texted me constantly to check in and send me bible verses or encouragement or tell me they were praying for me.<br />
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My aunts - my Aunt Traci constantly took care of my kids and also brought us many meals. My Aunt Gayle gave me more gifts and gift cards than I can count. Thanks to her I always had a book to read and a cute bag to put it in.<br />
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<b>My friends.</b><br />
Libby - she was my care coordinator. Libby knew what I needed and had it taken care of before I even knew that I needed it. She coordinated child care, meals, groceries, laundry, and cleaning services (graciously provided for financially by Leslie and her mom). Libby also entertained my kids, cleaned my house herself, and drew me up out of my depression pit when I was wallowing in self-pity. She was the first of my friends to say "we are not going to let you die." And there is no thank you big enough for that.<br />
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Two of my very dearest friends, Denby and Katie - these two beautiful women cleaned my house, took care of my kids, brought me gifts, cheered me up, brought us entire loads of groceries, folded our laundry, and cooked us meals. It should also be mentioned that they each have 4 kids of their own, and I'm honestly not sure how they managed to take care of me so well while also taking care of their own families.<br />
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Three more very dear friends, Claire, Kim, and Kacy - these three women also watched my children, brought me countless meals and groceries, and ALL saw me bald and at my worst. Their greatest gift to me during this time was their presence. All three were at my house often, lifting my spirits and serving me.<br />
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My milk suppliers, Emily and Denise - These two supplied me with a freezer full of breastmilk for Cora. <i>(That's right, I fed my baby someone else's breastmilk. And when you go through chemo and have to abruptly stop breastfeeding your 7 month old, then you can start judging me. Otherwise keep your opinions to yourself.) </i>I didn't know that I needed breastmilk for Cora. It wasn't something that I even thought about. But the Lord knew, and He put it on both of these ladies' hearts long before I needed it. Not having to worry about what Cora was going to eat was an amazing relief for me. Denise showed up at my house multiple times during my treatment with coolers full of frozen milk. Emily practically coordinated a drug deal by shipping me milk several times. Because of them, Cora was almost 11 months old before she ever had a drop of formula (<i>again.....nothing against formula....no judgement....this is just what the Lord knew we needed during this time).</i><br />
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<b>My small group and church.</b><br />
For all of the prayers, for accepting us as we came in our mess and our wide-eyed looks of bewilderment and exhaustion, for not judging us or expecting anything from us, for constantly pouring into us without getting anything in return. For not recording our attendance or non-attendance, and for not mentioning my wig/scarf/hat/bald head or whatever apparatus I chose that day to hide my baldness.<br />
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For Tim and Malorie specifically, who set up our Go Fund Me account, without which we would not have been able to pay for my first chemo treatment and the many medical bills that piled on after (and continue to pile on). Malorie also coordinated our meal schedule website and made sure people knew when/if we needed meals.<br />
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<b>Everyone at Mom 2 Mom.</b><br />
I received many care packages, meals, cards, and gift cards, often from women I had never met or only met a few times. Mom 2 mom was a great community for me during this time and I will forever be grateful to this group of women who prayed for me and cared for me.<br />
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<b>Everyone who gave us money, brought us a meal, sent us a card, and prayed for us.</b><br />
Seriously there are too many people to count....many other dear friends and family members brought us multiple meals, babysat, sent cards/flowers/gift cards, cleaned our house, did yard work, and helped us get through this time in a million different ways. I can't tell you how many times a complete stranger walked up to me and said "I'm praying for you". You all provided us financial, emotional, spiritual, and physical support. I literally could NOT have gotten through chemotherapy, surgery, and radiation without all of you. I am so humbled and honored.<br />
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I also want you to know that if you sent us money, a gift, or a gift card, I tried my hardest to mail out thank you notes, but I know that I missed a LOT. So please forgive me if you did not receive a thank you note. Please know that your gift was greatly appreciated and used, and that it was only because the sickness fog outweighed my Southern manners that you did not receive a note.<br />
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And because I can't write a thank you post without mentioning <b>my amazing husband, Mark</b>. He was at the core of everything. He was both mom and dad on the good days, and on the bad days he was mom and dad and caretaker. We both joked several times that it was good that I got cancer instead of him because I would not be able to handle all of the different things that he had to do. He had to juggle a full time job, a very sick wife, and four girls needing/wanting attention. Not to mention heating/serving the meals that people brought, coordinating babysitting, keeping our house livable (because that's his standard), and talking me down off the ledge. He was my greatest earthly supporter through this. If he never does another nice thing for me for the rest of our marriage, I still owe him big time.<br />
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The Lord has taught me many things during this trial, but I think watching the church/community come together to care for us will be the thing that continues to stand out in my mind forever. It was amazing to watch, and even more amazing to be the recipient of. I'm really bad at asking for help. Mainly because I'm a control freak and like to do things myself. But also because I'm a control freak and like to do things myself. It's worth mentioning twice. Oh yeah, and that little thing called pride. I now see that I cannot do this thing alone. Not just cancer....but raising a family, being a wife, being who God called me to be...we were not meant to do things alone, but in community and in service to one another.<br />
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This community has taught me how to serve someone when they are sick, how to give when someone needs it, and that every little thing matters, even if you don't think that it does. If you think, "it really doesn't matter if I bring her this bag of muffins or not...she won't care", that is Satan whispering his lies in your ear. Because every single act of service points to Jesus, and every single gift and act made me feel loved.<br />
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So THANK YOU. I'm forever in your debt.<br />
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<i>Friendship is one of the sweetest joys of life. Many might have failed beneath the bitterness of their trial had they not found a friend. - Charles Spurgeon</i></div>
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Jannahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17139107439384642530noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7832397803876729335.post-56126564435981445872015-09-20T15:21:00.000-04:002015-09-20T15:21:47.239-04:00Let's Get RadiatedI am halfway through radiation, 3 weeks down and 3 weeks to go. Radiation is 5 days a week, so it has quickly become a "normal" and routine part of my day. Before radiation, I stressed about how I would get childcare for the girls every single day for 6 weeks but it has actually worked out quite easily. I am usually the last appointment for the day, so the girls' day isn't interrupted and half the time they don't even know I'm gone since they are usually napping during this time of day. Precious friends have offered to take a day or two a week, and then family has filled in the gaps. Thankfully, radiation has been pretty easy so far.<br />
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Although my chemotherapy treatment was very effective, and the small amount of my tumor that remained was taken out during surgery, my surgeon and two oncologists agreed that I should undergo radiation treatment. Mainly because the cancer had spread to my skin, but also because the size of my tumor initially was so large. There are a lot of risks associated with all of my cancer treatment, and radiation is no different. A second form of cancer is a risk with radiation, and I am at higher risk for this since I am so young and my cells are more susceptible to damage.<br />
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I haven't blogged in a while because I haven't been sure what to say. I would like to say that I am feeling better and healthy and my fears are gone. But I'm not and they are not. I'm tired ALL the time, my hormones are completely out of wack, my immune system sucks, and all I do is worry about the future and whether the cancer will come back or not. Instead of blogging the truth, I've remained silent. Because no one wants to hear how hard this is and that I burst into tears far too often.<br />
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But, among the many things I have learned on this journey, speaking what I really feel is always the best option. I shouldn't hide my concerns and my fears, I should voice them. Because when I voice them, then dear friends and family can come behind me and say, "No, that is not the Lord's plan for you. You are healed" or, "You will be rewarded for this" or "This is not in vain". When my fears are out in the open, they don't seem so scary anymore. They no longer have power over me.<br />
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I have seen the Lord's goodness and faithfulness every day, and yet still I doubt His sovereignty and His plan for me. Because I don't know that His plan is for me to live. I don't know the way that I will die, and cancer could very well be the cause. I know His plan for me is good.....but that does not mean I am spared a death from cancer. And honestly, that has been my biggest struggle through all of this. <b>That even though His plan is good, it is not free of pain and heartache.</b> Yes, in the end, it will all be redeemed. And through our pain and suffering, He gets the glory. But why does someone have to have cancer for Him to get glory? This is my daily struggle with Him. I will continue to point to Him through this, and I see blessings and good coming from it every day, but I still don't understand it, and I admit that I probably never will.<br />
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<i>"I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind."</i> </div>
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This was the covenant between the Lord and Noah, when He promised never to destroy the earth again through a flood. The rainbow served as a reminder, a reassurance, a promise....that whenever the rain started to fall, it would not end with destruction. The rain would stop eventually.</div>
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I have been asking the Lord for my rainbow. For a sign from Him, a reassurance, an encouragement, a promise, that I have no reason to fear. That this flood I am in will not destroy me.</div>
<br />Jannahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17139107439384642530noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7832397803876729335.post-90513230974433247352015-08-03T14:46:00.000-04:002015-08-03T14:46:07.427-04:00On Mastectomies and HealingI am almost two weeks post-op from my bilateral mastectomy and axillary dissection.<br />
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When Mark and I went in to find out my biopsy results back in March, the first thing the doctor said to me was that I had breast cancer. The second thing she said was, "I'm not going to be able to save your breast". I have been dreading surgery ever since that moment. I knew from the beginning that a lumpectomy was not an option, and pretty early on I knew that I would lose not just one breast but both. I'm not afraid of surgery or pain. I had c sections with all of my babies, and I've been told I have a high pain tolerance. I definitely don't enjoy those things but they don't scare me as much as they should. But I have been dreading this surgery since day one. I was SO relieved to be finished with chemo after my last treatment in June....but I knew that the end of chemo meant the count down to surgery was inching closer and closer.<br />
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A lot of people ask me what it was like to lose my hair. If I was emotional the first time my husband saw me bald. Honestly, losing my hair wasn't a big deal for me. I didn't love my hair to begin with, and once it started falling out my head was so sore and tender that it was a relief to shave it. Being bald was annoying, don't get me wrong. I had to cover my head when people came over and constantly having a scarf or a wig on was a pain, especially in the summer heat. But most of the time around the house, I was bald. Mark and the kids aren't phased at my baldness...it's just how they see me now. It's normal. I can't wait for my hair to grow back. But losing it wasn't emotional. It was inconvenient.<br />
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<b>Losing my breasts, however, was emotional.</b> It was harder than I expected it to be. The surgery was what I expected, and the pain was too. But as a woman...as a wife and a mother...it hurt. A different kind of pain than I have ever experienced before. I'm not a very sentimental person usually, but it's getting harder and harder for me to look in the mirror and hold back the tears.<br />
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Fortunately, the first phase of my reconstruction was done at the same time as my mastectomy, and that really has made the emotional part of this much easier. They used tissue and skin from my stomach to begin reconstructing new breasts, so when I woke up from surgery I wasn't completely flat. That doesn't mean that what I saw resembled anything to what used to be there...and without getting into some details that some of you may not want to hear, let's just say...it's not like getting a "boob-job". It's different. They had to take a lot of my skin. I have a lot of scars and incisions. All of this will heal, I know, and I'll look much better after the second phase of my reconstruction, but that probably won't be until next Spring.<br />
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Things are different now. I look different, I feel different, and while I'm recovering from surgery, I can't lift, hold, or take care of the kids. Since I had lymph nodes removed along with the mastectomy, I'm not allowed to lift my arms above my shoulder, or lift anything more than 5 pounds. These are standard precautions to prevent clotting, lymphedema, and further complications. But try explaining that to a 2 year old and 11 month old. Not holding Cora has been torture. Not lifting Stella up when she wants a snuggle has ripped my heart apart. But I know I have to do what must be done in order for me to heal.<br />
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I'm more thankful than ever for our beach trip we took before surgery. I held Cora as much as I could. I let her fall asleep on my chest and we all cherished the time together. I didn't realize how difficult recovery would be, which makes the time before surgery all the more special.<br />
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After our beach trip, we immediately began preparing ourselves mentally and physically for surgery. Surgery would tell us a lot about my future prognosis, and depending on my pathology report from what they harvested during surgery, we would know if they removed all of the cancer or not. We knew that my chemotherapy treatment was effective. I had an ultrasound in the middle of treatment that showed my tumor had shrunk significantly. But we didn't really know how much it shrunk and what the chemo's effect on my lymph nodes or the rest of my body was. </div>
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While I was very confident and prayed big that I would be completely healed, honestly we didn't know what to expect. We knew what we wanted and we knew what we were praying for and we knew that I was in good hands. But ultimately we knew that God's will would be done and He would work it for good, no matter what it was. Exactly a week ago today, my surgeon called me with my pathology report. <b>No cancer in my lymph nodes, no cancer in my skin, and an amount of cancer in my breast tissue so small that it was "immeasurable". </b>They couldn't even give it a size because it was so small! All three of those places originally were positive for cancer. My tumor was so large it took up about half of my left breast. And now, after 6 rounds of chemo, and the miraculous healing hand of our great God, <b>I am cancer free.</b> The super tiny amount of cancer that was left in my breast was removed during the mastectomy (obviously) and the rest of my body is clear.</div>
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<b><i>"But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love, to deliver them from death and keep them alive in famine. We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name." Psalm 33:18-21</i></b></div>
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<b><i>"He jumped to his feet and began to walk. Then he went with them into the temple courts, walking, and jumping, and praising God." Acts 3:8</i></b></div>
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<b><i>"I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me. " Psalm 13:6</i></b></div>
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<b><i>"Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you." Psalm 63:3</i></b></div>
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It took a day or so for that information to sink in. He called me on a Monday late afternoon, and on Tuesday morning I woke up crying and didn't stop crying all day. Tears washed over me in relief, joy and thanksgiving. Tears flowing from months of pain, fear, and despair. Now all redeemed in this moment. I knew immediately after my diagnosis that the Lord wanted me to walk through chemo. So that's what I did. I went through chemo because He ASKED me to, not because He NEEDED me to. He can heal me with a whisper. And I believe He did. I have learned more about my Heavenly Father, my community, my faith and my family in the past 4 months than I have in my entire life. Cancer has changed me in every aspect of my life. What the enemy intended for evil, He turned into good. </div>
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I still have a long road. I have to heal from surgery, begin radiation, and then have the second phase of my reconstruction done next year. I also have to have my ovaries removed in the next year or so. I believe I am 100% completely and wholly healed. But fighting and defeating cancer is a long process, and continues long after the cancer is gone.</div>
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For now, I am sneaking in snuggles when I can, loading up with pillows so that the kids can sit with me. They are cared for and loved during the day, but we are all struggling and ready for mama to be back on her feet running the household again. I miss my girls. I miss my husband. I miss my former self. I still miss my eyebrows.</div>
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But praise God that the worst is over, and the best is yet to come. Praise God that my story is one of healing and recovery. Praise God that He chose to use our family in this way. Praise God that we are stronger, more united, and more thankful than ever.</div>
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Please continue to pray for us. Pray for the girls, that they aren't too damaged by the lack of contact with their mama. Pray for Mark and I to connect and strengthen our marriage after so much pain and suffering. Pray for quick healing and recovery and for no complications from surgery. Pray for provision. Pray that someone hears my story and comes to know Jesus because of it. Pray that we all cling closer to our Savior, in good times and in bad.Jannahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17139107439384642530noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7832397803876729335.post-54812088368340908452015-07-06T23:20:00.002-04:002015-07-06T23:20:48.762-04:00Chemotherapy Complete!<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/qfYQnl4a6zk?rel=0&controls=0" width="420"></iframe><br />
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I had my last EVER chemo treatment on Tuesday. Six rounds of intense chemotherapy, and my body is shot.<br />
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Everyone keeps telling me, nurses, doctors, and other patients, say that the drug regimen I am on is one of the most difficult. Physically and mentally I really struggled each round. After a few days in bed after each treatment I would get depressed, missing my life and missing the girls...feeling guilty that Mark and everyone else were doing so much and carrying me through this. A few days after treatment I get an injection to make my bone marrow boost blood cell production. After that shot I get body aches, a fever, and generally feel like I have the worst case of the flu that exists. About a week after treatment, the fog lifts a little and I am able to atleast come downstairs and be present, maybe even read the girls a few books or play on the couch some. Sometimes there were set backs and I would have a rough day again, but usually after days 8 or 9, I progressively improve and am able to be up and around more. Then by day 10, I get my blood counts checked to make sure my white count is high enough that I don't have to be as crazy about germs and isolation....and then usually its uphill from there. The stomach issues, fatigue, and body aches are constant....even all the way up to the next chemo treatment. But they are manageable after about day 10 and really just more annoying than debilitating. Other side effects that I've just come to know as my new "normal" are hot flashes, dry mouth and skin, and fatigue fatigue fatigue. Can't say enough about that one.<br />
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HOWEVER........with my last chemo treatment finished, I can now hope that all of these side effects, the pattern of my sickness and the hard days in bed....I can hope that they are over. I know some side effects from chemo stay with you for life. Especially the fatigue and achiness. But some people say they improve over time. I'll take it.<br />
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Knowing that I never have to feel that way again, is a huge victory. I've been really depressed and anxious lately about the surgery and if my lymph nodes are clear and if the cancer will come back and my prognosis and just everything cancer related.....but really....I just made it through six rounds of chemotherapy with NO delays, and really no complications other than side effects. My blood counts always rose, my kidneys and my liver handled everything well....and finishing chemo should be celebrated. I've allowed Satan to take my joy and fill me with fear and anxiety, but really I should be celebrating. It's a big deal. We've made it this far.<br />
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Chemo was the thing I was most afraid of, and the thing I knew the Lord was asking me to walk through, and I did it. Well....correction.....Mark, my mom, his mom, our entire family, friends, our church, and the Lord, THEY did it. They shoved me into each treatment and then pulled me out, patted me and took care of me and loved me until it was time to do it again. I was just a rag doll. An angry, moody, sick, opinionated and bald rag doll.<br />
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Let's just relish in the moment, and take in the victory....I went through chemo, my body responded well to it, and it's done! WOOO HOOO!!!!! Praise Jesus Hallelujah and all the Amens.<br />
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I felt like I needed to get that out. When you celebrate the little victories, it's harder to focus on the fear.<br />
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Side note: since my cancer is HER2+, I have to get one of the drugs infused for an entire year, still on the every 3 week schedule like chemo. This drug doesn't (apparently) carry any side effects when it's given alone, apart from the other meds, but I do still have to keep my port until I'm finished with that drug, which will be next March. So technically, I have to go sit in the chemo chair and get my port accessed and all that mess every 3 weeks, but the Herceptin only takes about 30 minutes to infuse so it's no biggie....and no side effects, so YAY! This could be another small joy-killer since people who are HER2- don't have to do this....but I'm counting it as a victory. Another year of this drug going through my veins keeping the cancer at bay.<br />
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Ok...next on the Suck It Cancer Agenda: SURGERY!!!! And then Radiation.<br />
The surgery is a big deal for several reasons. First, because it will truly show how effective the chemotherapy was in killing the cancer. After surgery we will know if my margins are clear, and if any of my lymph nodes contain cancer. Second, it's a big deal because it reduces my chances of recurrence. I only have cancer in one breast, but, from the advice of two surgeons and my oncologist, I will be having a double mastectomy. I'm only 31, I have a lot of years to live Lord willing, and taking both breasts is the most aggressive way to treat and prevent this demon from returning. Lastly, surgery is a big deal because, well, it's surgery. I've heard recovery is really rough, and I'm expecting it to be hard. I'll spend several days in the hospital, go home with several drain tubes and be on very limited restrictions for atleast a few weeks. Then I can start lifting and light activity after 6 weeks. I'm hoping I will recover faster than that, because we all like to think we're the exception, not the rule....but honestly I expect it will be really difficult. More help with kids, more resting, and more relying on everyone else to do all the things that I'm supposed to be doing.<br />
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That being said, I've lost all shame on this journey. I've learned now that we DO need help. And I've learned that I have to ASK for the specific help I need. I have four kids. Two of which still sleep in cribs. I won't be able to lift them into and out of their cribs for....well I'm assuming several weeks. Also, have you ever been around a baby that sees her mama but can't be HELD by that mama? It's not a fun situation. We could really use your prayers and also your physical hands during this time. The grandparents will be doing most of the childcare, and a precious friend of the family is cleaning our house (Thank you Tammy!!! If you know her then lavish her with gifts). The areas we could really still use some help is with meals and groceries. If you are local and can bring us a meal, that would be uuuuhhhhhmazing. I love cooking and miss it so much, but after surgery it's going to be awhile before I can. And there are 6 mouths to feed around here. We have a website where you can sign up to bring a meal, and I have no shame in posting it here. Pass it along. If you aren't local, or if cooking isn't your thing, or if you don't want to bring a meal, we would also love grocery store gift cards or restaurant gift cards for takeout.<br />
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We have had SO many dinners delivered to us during the past few months, and I wish I could portray in words what a blessing it has been to us. I haven't been physically able to cook. I know it seems like "bringing dinner" is so the cliche thing we southerners do when something happens....someone has a baby, someone dies, someone gets hurt or sick, someones gets a job or loses a job....you bring food. That's because food is always needed. Food heals. Food brings people together. If you have already brought us a meal, please don't feel obligated to do it again. I am SO grateful and I hope that one day I can bring a meal to you too. But if you do feel led to bring us some food, here's the link to the website to sign up<br />
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<a href="http://www.takethemameal.com/meals.php?t=BIKB1454">http://www.takethemameal.com/meals.php?t=BIKB1454</a><br />
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I have been so blessed by all of you. By your cards, packages in the mail, donations, and meals. It really is like getting water in a desert land. You guys are filling me up when I'm dry and empty. The encouraging texts and calls mean so much. I have been blown away by our community coming together during this time. I know there are so many people in need, and I'm humbled that you have chosen me to pray for and to lift up and bless.<br />
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<br />Jannahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17139107439384642530noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7832397803876729335.post-47871820144572033562015-06-05T17:12:00.000-04:002015-06-05T17:37:06.813-04:00WrestlingThis is basically going to be one big long pity party of a post. Physically, it was a really good week for me. But emotionally, it has been one of the worst. Mark and I have both hit a brick wall. The weight of all this is catching up to us and wearing us both down. I am snapping at the kids, and we are snapping at each other. We have no one else to snap at. I feel a little forgotten. The help isn't flowing in as freely as it once was, the money has stopped, and the blessings are hard to see right now. We are still getting meals every week, which is a bigger help than I think anyone will ever realize...but I still feel really alone. Things aren't clicking into place anymore. All I can see are the obstacles, the pain, the longevity of this never-ending journey. The life that this cancer took from me. A healthy, carefree life that I will never have back.<br />
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<b>"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." </b></div>
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2 Corinthians 4:16-18</div>
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I know all the things I'm supposed to believe. I know all the things I'm supposed to think about. But I want the seen things. I want the earthly. I want prosperity and blessing and comfort. I want to stop feeling like a target for all the bad things. Some people seem to coast through life and get everything handed to them, and I feel like we are limping, barely making it through each day. We struggle to pay the bills, we fight back the anger while trying to deal with the girls at the end of the hard day, we bicker and stress, we fear the future. I want to sleep constantly and I know Mark just wants me to cool it on the crazy. I so badly want to handle this with grace, but its becoming too much. My family deserves so much better. They deserve a mom who can stay awake in the afternoons and play with them. Who doesn't snap on them because she is so tired and moody ALL. THE. TIME. Mark deserves to not be so stressed all the time. He deserves a healthy and beautiful wife who doesn't need him so much. I can see how I'm scraping him dry and it kills me. This is all word vomit but I just want to be real and honest in the struggle.<br />
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I'm tired of over spiritualizing it. I know God is sovereign, I know He is in control, but that doesn't mean that this doesn't suck. I have been wrestling with God this week with my conflicting emotions. I am so grateful that I have a cancer that can be treated. But I am so angry that cancer is the card I was dealt. I am so thankful that this life isn't the end for me, that no matter WHAT I have the hope of Heaven. But I am so angry that I find myself longing for Heaven and wanting to leave this life behind because it is full of nothing but heartache and struggle. How can I be so angry and grateful at the same time? <b>How can I have complete faith that the Lord will heal me, and still an overwhelming peace if He doesn't?</b> I'm too human, too selfish. I am but dust....and He KNOWS that. He knows I am dust. Tired, Angry, Selfish dust. And yet the cards keep flying, and I can't help but feel like we are being punished. I can handle the sickness. But I can't handle my family being under attack like this. Yes I'm the patient, but everyone around me suffers just as much as I do. I know life isn't fair, and that we have more blessings in our life than some people dream of. I KNOW all these things. But all I FEEL is anger and resentment and grief.<br />
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I want to do better. I want to handle this better. But all I can seem to do lately is cry and pray and sleep and get more angry. If this post seems bipolar, that's because it is. I really am grateful beyond words for all the help and all the prayer. That it's JUST BREAST CANCER and not something else. But I'm so angry at the suffering and the grief and the pain of this world. That everyone has to deal with something, and right now, this is our something.<br />
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We need prayer. Obviously. We may also need counseling when all this is over. I will need it because I think I will be gripped with fear for the rest of my life. My family will need it because I am driving them absolutely insane with my mood swings and my constantly pulling the "cancer card". Clearly I will need to write multiple letters of apology for everything I have done/said/typed during this period.<br />
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<b>Things you can pray for today and this week:</b><br />
- There is a mechanical situation with Mark's car...to fix it would cost more than we paid for the car and more than the car is worth. It seems trivial to ask for prayer about a stupid car, but it's a big source of stress for us right now. We are aware it's just a car. But throw us a freaking bone right now and just pray about it.<br />
- I'm trying to find a plastic surgeon that will take our insurance and it's proving difficult. I can't just use any plastic surgeon, but need one that specializes in reconstruction after a mastectomy. This is not your average boob job.<br />
- Chemo is next week, and all the things that come with another chemo treatment will hit us like a ton of bricks. Pray for provision for cleaning/food/child care, strength for Mark as he tries to work and care for me, that side effects are minimal for me and that my body bounces back after all of this.<br />
- Pray that we give each other grace. That Mark and I give each other grace, that the girls give me grace, that they don't remember all the ways I have failed them during this time, that they only remember the good.<br />
- Pray for our momentum to return. For my desire to fight to return.<br />
- Pray for healing. That when it comes time for the surgery, the cancer would be gone.<br />
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Thank you for praying. Thank you for not judging me too harshly for all the word vomit. Thank you for all the meals.<br />
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I know God is in this. It's just hard to see right now. I'm blinded by all the bad and I easily forget all the good.<br />
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On Sunday at church, something happened that I don't think has ever happened in the history of our church. The sermon was on valleys, what to do in the valley and what God is doing in the valleys. At the end, He had people who were going through valleys stand, and if you saw someone stand then you were to go and put your hand on them and pray out loud over them. I reluctantly stood. <b>And people flocked and put their hands on me and Mark and prayed out loud over us.</b> It was the most beautiful and humbling thing. The only other time someone has put their hands on me and prayed over me is right after <a href="http://markandjanna.blogspot.com/2010/09/my-story-of-miscarriage.html" target="_blank">my second miscarriage</a>. We were heartbroken and angry, and our small group put me and two other dear friends dealing with infertility in the middle of a circle, put their hands on us and prayed out loud over us.<br />
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We all three had healthy babies the next year. One even had a set of twins. (for us, sweet Annie Faith was born from that prayer)<br />
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Prayer works, friends. I know our God listens to our cries. Even when they are angry cries that are muffled by tears and hurt. Thank you for crying out on my behalf.Jannahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17139107439384642530noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7832397803876729335.post-63434632443678793092015-05-20T21:27:00.001-04:002015-05-20T21:32:51.704-04:00Real Life: Chemo Side Effects and the Bald RevealI had my fourth chemo treatment yesterday and I thought now would be a good time to talk about the side effects I've experienced and also to let you guys see me bald! It's important for me to be real during this entire process, and that involves being open about side effects and the way that I look. It's all temporary, I won't look this sick forever, but it's still difficult to see myself at my worst and to post it online, so be warned that this video is not flattering...but it is real and it is who I am right now. Plus now if you stop by my house unexpected and I'm not wearing a scarf or my wig you won't fall over at the sight of me bald....or maybe you will....and that's ok too.<br />
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I would say the worst side effects are the fatigue and the GI symptoms. The nausea is really bad the first few days after chemo and then gradually gets better. I'm used to dealing with nausea because of my pregnancies so chemo nausea isn't that big of a deal for me. The anti-nausea medications don't really work for me (didn't during pregnancy either) but I am trying something new this round that I hope will give me some relief. The fatigue, diarrhea, and stomach cramps are constant. Even during the week that I feel "good", I get worn out really easy and have stomach issues. They are definitely better the third week but never fully go away.<br />
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Obviously I lost all my hair. Exactly 2 weeks after my first chemo treatment I started losing my hair and I was pretty much bald within a week. Mark had to shave my head because I would get huge tangles in my hair and it was just unmanageable and really annoying. Hair was falling out all the time everywhere. It happened VERY fast for me. Everyone keeps saying I'm on a very difficult chemo regimen so I assume that has something to do with it. BONUS, body hair also falls out, so I've only had to shave my legs about 3 times since I started chemo. I've shaved my armpits maybe once or twice. Just trying to look on the bright side....a summer without shaving my legs!<br />
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Some side effects I didn't mention in the video that aren't really debilitating but are worth mentioning: peripheral neuropathy (tingling sensation in my extremities), this one hasn't been huge for me, it mainly happens when I'm getting the chemo and then the day after and then pretty much goes away. Some patients really struggle with this side effect but the drugs I'm on don't seem to be causing much of an issue for me in this area. Another problem I have majorly is chemo brain, or as some call it, the chemo fog. I already have mommy brain and never fully recovered from pregnancy brain from my four pregnancies so add chemo brain on top of that I'm pretty much a disaster. I can't remember anything, it's very difficult to focus, and sometimes I switch words around and say the wrong thing. I constantly have to ask Mark what day it is and what's happening that day. Nothing major....its kind of funny actually. The few days after chemo are the worst. I can't read or focus....but then the "fog" kind of wears off and I'm back to just being forgetful mommy again.<br />
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Like I said in the video, my skin and nails have taken a hit...my eyes are puffy all the time, I'm pale, and my skin is really dry. My nails get really brittle and my skin on my fingers peels a little bit right after chemo but then it gets better. I'm putting argan oil on my face and on my nail cuticles and that seems to make a big difference. But some days I'm too tired to moisturize or care so I don't....I also have a really dry mouth all the time and I can't taste anything. Everything tastes bland and blah. But fortunately I haven't had any mouth sores yet so I'm thankful for that.<br />
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I've run a low grade fever right after chemo everytime and ran a high temp with the 3rd round. I've also had a few secondary infections but all that is just par for the course. I'm getting a Neulasta injection the day or two after chemo to help get my blood counts back up, and that shot gives me really bad body aches....it feels like I have the flu. That goes away after a few days but I do have some general body aches occasionally after that. I also get a rash that comes and goes randomly. Just weird and annoying but nothing that's a big deal.<br />
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I don't want this to seem like a big whiny post about how hard this is, I just want to be real, and to help other people going through chemo know what to expect. That being said, all the meals, the grocery shopping, and cleaning are a HUGE blessing to us right now. Some days I can't even get out of bed, much less grocery shop and meal plan and cook. Knowing that I don't have to worry about meals for my family is a huge weight off my shoulders so I can rest and get well. Even on the days that I DO feel good, I can use the energy to play with the girls instead of worrying about cooking and cleaning. So THANK YOU to everyone who has helped. It is not unnoticed and we are forever grateful.<br />
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Just because I have breast cancer and am going through chemotherapy doesn't mean life stops. As you can tell in the video, I'm still a mom and still have four girls to take care of and a husband to love and a life to live. I have to keep going....even when I don't feel like it. Thank you for encouraging me and helping me push through this difficult time. Thank you for making me see that my life is worth living and this cancer is worth fighting.<br />
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<br />Jannahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17139107439384642530noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7832397803876729335.post-15123262758227854052015-05-09T20:40:00.001-04:002015-05-09T20:40:56.383-04:00MomentumPardon my silence.<br />
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I think my momentum left with my hair.<br />
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My 3rd chemo treatment was a rough one. I was VERY sick for a whole week after...sicker than I have been so far. And even after I started to feel better, I still didn't feel great. Today is probably the best I've felt in a while and I'm still very tired and weak. I feel really sick, and I'm starting to look sick. And when I see myself in the mirror, I'm reminded of how weak I am right now.<br />
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I have been counting down the days and the treatments, calculating in my head when surgery will be and when I will be active again after surgery. I'm dreaming about the finish line before I have even made it up the hill. Chemo is just the first step in my treatment and I'm only halfway finished with that. I have a long road ahead and I have been feeling very discouraged lately. That I can't do this.....that I don't want to do this....that I shouldn't do this. But then I remember that I don't really have any other options.<br />
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<i><b>"Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well developed, not deficient in any way." </b>James 1:2-4 The Message</i></div>
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I've been trying to get out prematurely. </div>
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I say all this not to be a downer, but because I don't want to give the impression that I'm brave all the time. I'm certainly not. I'm not a hero, and I'm not a rockstar. I'm not strong. I'm just a person, backed into a corner, with a will to live strong enough to seek treatment for a terminal illness. I go to chemo every 3 weeks not because I have super powers, but because I want to watch my girls grow up and graduate and get married and have babies (and because I have a husband shoving me through the doors of the doctor's office).<br />
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If seeing your 6 year old daughter with a hot pink piece of paper on the back of her t shirt saying she is racing for her mommy at the Breast Cancer Walk isn't reason enough to get up everyday and fight this disease, then I don't know what is.<br />
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We have walked the Susan G Komen Race for a Cure in Atlanta for many, many years, beginning when my grandmother (Mimi) was diagnosed with breast cancer about 16 years ago. We used to all do the 5k together and over the years we kind of slowly dwindled off and haven't done it in a few years. This year we signed up for the 1 mile walk, mainly because I didn't know if a week after chemo I would be feeling up to the 5k or not. The breast cancer survivors all get pink t shirts that are a little different than the other race day shirts, and this year Mimi and I both got a Survivor shirt.<br />
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All those years Mimi walked through the Survivor line alone as we cheered her on and this year I walked through with her. It was emotional, amazing, infuriating, depressing, inspiring, fun, and motivating all at the same time. I'm thankful she traveled the road before me, but still pretty angry that it's our road.<br />
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Can you be grateful and pissed off at the same time?<br />
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If Race for the Cure didn't exist, I probably wouldn't have hope. Breast cancer research, awareness, and support is vital to increasing survival rates. My specific type of cancer is very aggressive and was not treatable not very long ago. But I learned from ultrasound a few weeks ago that my one, very large tumor, has shrunk down to a few very small spots. Yes, I'm sick.....<b>but it's working</b>.<br />
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This race came at just the right time in my treatment. I was feeling very down and discouraged, and putting on a hot pink t-shirt that says "Survivor" on it was just the motivation I needed to put my head down, focus, and keep trucking. Seeing all the other breast cancer survivors, feeling at home with my shaved head, and realizing that I'm not alone, really is comforting. If these other women can do it, then I can too.<br />
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My amazing friend Ashley had a purple sign made that says "suck it cancer". So proud to walk with all of these friends and family members today. I'm so blessed.<br />
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God is so good. Just about the time I start to cry out and say, ok, I can't do this, throw me a bone here.....He does. When I admit my weakness, He displays His strength.<br />
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Mark said to me today, not actually talking about me but talking about himself, but I feel I should quote him anyway because it was so true for me as well....<b>"if we don't let the emotion happen, then there isn't anything for God to redeem". </b>If I stay strong stay strong stay strong....then where does <i>His</i> strength come in? But if I mourn, weep, and cry out, then He is faithful to answer. But we must declare our dependence on Him. We must admit that we are not enough.<br />
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<i><b>"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9</b></i><br />
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I'm angry that my 6 year old has to know what breast cancer is. I'm angry that my girls run up and kiss and pat my bald head 10 times a day. I'm angry that my husband is on bedtime duty alone most nights because I'm too tired and sick to help. I'm angry that Mimi and I have the pink shirts and not the white ones. I'm angry that I look and feel ten years older than I did 3 months ago.<br />
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But He is faithful. And He is good enough to redeem my anger. He will turn my mourning into dancing. <a href="http://markandjanna.blogspot.com/2010/09/my-story-of-miscarriage.html" target="_blank">He has done it before</a> for me.<br />
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<b><i>"He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God." Psalm 40:3</i></b><br />
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<b><i>"The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them, He delivers them from all their troubles." Psalm 34:17</i></b><br />
<br />Jannahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17139107439384642530noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7832397803876729335.post-61894929790466534002015-03-28T22:05:00.002-04:002015-03-28T22:05:33.988-04:00Cancer Q&AI've had a lot of questions recently about the details of my cancer, so I thought I would do a quick post to keep everyone up to date. This post could be very boring or very interesting depending on your personality type.<br />
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<i>What? When? How? SERIOUSLY?</i></div>
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Yeah I know. I'm there too some days. I found a lump when I was pregnant with Cora. My OB and I both kind of shrugged it off as hormones or a clogged milk duct since I've been pregnant and/or breastfeeding for the past 5 years straight. She said to get it checked after Cora was delivered. At my 6 week visit after Cora was born, the lump was still there so she wrote me an order to get a mammogram. I told her that wasn't necessary because I wasn't going to go. She wrote it anyway and handed it to me. I rolled my eyes and stuffed it in the bottom of my purse for approximately 4 months. At the end of February, when Cora was 6 months old, I finally went and had an ultrasound and mammogram. Mark, several friends, and my grandmother, who is a breast cancer survivor, encouraged me to go. So I did, just for peace of mind. The radiologist recommended that I follow up with a breast surgeon for a biopsy. On March 2, I met with the breast surgeon, who recommended a biopsy that same day. She biopsied two different areas. On March 9, Mark came with me for the results of the biopsy, and we found out both areas she biopsied were breast cancer. March 10, I met my oncologist. March 11, I had an MRI. March 13, I had my port placed. March 17, I had my first chemo treatment. It's been a blur. </div>
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<i>What kind of cancer is it? Is it triple-negative?</i></div>
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My breast cancer is the kind that initially starts in the milk ducts, but it then spread into the skin, which is why they classified it as stage 3. My cancer is NOT triple-negative, which is a good thing. I am HER2 positive and ER (estrogen receptor) positive. HER2 positive cancers tend to be very aggressive, and just a few short years ago being HER2 positive was a bad thing. Now HER2 positive cancers are still aggressive, but they have created very good chemotherapy drugs that specifically target those cancers. Estrogen receptor positive means that my cancer is fed by estrogen. </div>
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<i>What is your treatment plan?</i></div>
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There were a few very scary days where we did not know the treatment plan because we didn't know the above information about my receptors. Those were dark days. I cried a lot. I'm a planner by nature, and so having an actual treatment plan was crucial for my mental ability to handle this diagnosis. Once my oncologist called me with the receptor news I felt like we had a better handle on things and I knew what to expect. My oncologist is at Atlanta Cancer Care with Northside Hospital. She is brilliant and I am in good hands. The plan is to treat me with chemotherapy first, in order to shrink the tumor as small as possible. After chemo, I will have a double mastectomy and reconstruction. I will probably have radiation after surgery as well. We also will talk about removing my ovaries since my cancer is fed by estrogen, and this increases the chances of ovarian cancer for me in the future.</div>
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<i>What is your chemotherapy regimen?</i></div>
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I am on four different chemotherapy drugs, and I have infusions once every 3 weeks. Everyone keeps saying the regimen of drugs I am on is a very difficult regimen. That's good of course, because its aggressive. But bad because, well, its aggressive. I will have 6 total treatments of chemotherapy, except for one drug, Herceptin (which is because I am HER2 positive) I have to get every 3 weeks for an entire year. I'm told Herceptin alone doesn't carry side effects so once I'm receiving only Herceptin I shouldn't have any of the typical chemo problems. I am so thankful that I have 3 weeks to recover in between each treatment.</div>
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<i>Will you lose your hair?</i></div>
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Yep.</div>
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<i>What have your imaging reports said?</i></div>
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The initial biopsy reported breast cancer in two different areas in my left breast. I had an MRI two days later, and along with my left breast, a small area lit up on my right breast, and in a lymph node on my left side as well. However, my PET scan reported no lymph nodes and the rest of my body as all clear other than the left breast. (PRAISE GOD!)</div>
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<i>How are you feeling?</i></div>
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TIRED. The fatigue is comparable only to pregnancy, but worse. And I've only had one chemo session so I expect the fatigue to get much worse. The few days immediately following chemo I felt very foggy and just kind of drugged. Then I was fine for a few days, and then this past week I was very sick. Now I'm feeling much better and just a little tired again. I'm hoping to feel like this for a full week before I have treatment again. As I have told a lot of people though, I did not have fun pregnancies. Nausea/Vomiting from about 1.5 minutes after I take the pregnancy test all the way up to delivery. And a lot of the chemotherapy side effects are very similar to pregnancy ones. So I can handle that. I'm used to it, and throwing up is no big thang for me. Yeah it sucks, but its something I know how to deal with. So maybe the Lord has been preparing me for this all along.</div>
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Yes, I have breast cancer, and some days I still can't believe it. And yes, it's a big deal and I will have to deal with this for the rest of my life. My health will probably always be affected by it. But you guys, <b>it could be so much worse. </b>We found it. I'm getting treated for it. I have amazing doctors. It's not 20 years ago. I have a huge support team.</div>
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Speaking of which, last night Landmark's baseball team, the high school Mark and I both graduated from, had Beat Cancer Night in honor of us and I got to throw out the first pitch. Landmark is so much more than a school, and the people from there are like family.</div>
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I am just so overwhelmed and grateful for all the support. I do NOT enjoy being the center of attention, so I just pretended like everyone was there for a Landmark reunion and not for me or for cancer. It's still just surreal sometimes, that this is all happening, and that people could surround me like this in support. I'm certainly not worthy of it, but our Heavenly Father is, and only He could gather an army like this.<br />
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I have felt His hand on me since day 1, lovingly giving me things that only He could give. This Landmark family is one of those things. Only a good, good Father would create friendships able to withstand time and distance in order to be reunited for such a time as this.<br />
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<i><b>"He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all-how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?" </b>Romans 8:32</i></div>
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This was a good night. Just a few hours before this we received the news that my PET scan was clear of additional cancer in my body. What seemed like the end of the world just a few short weeks ago, now seems like just another mountain to climb that will be a part of my story. What started out as, WHY GOD? Has turned into, THANK YOU GOD. Thank you that <b>it's just breast cancer. </b>I trust Him fully with my heart and my life, so how could I not trust Him with this? He, who gave his one and only Son to die for me.....<i><b>how will he not also</b>... </i>be with me in this?<i> </i>He knows what He is doing, even when we can't see it. We don't deserve an explanation. I'm just humbled to play a small part in His bigger plan. So that's what I'm going to do. Do my best to play my part and point to Him while I'm on stage.<br />
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<br />Jannahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17139107439384642530noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7832397803876729335.post-29864242636391018622015-03-18T17:18:00.000-04:002015-03-28T22:05:52.582-04:00Not My Will But Yours, And How I Acted Like A ToddlerMy first treatment of chemotherapy was yesterday and this whole cancer thing is starting to feel normal in my head. We walked out of the office after a very long and draining day and Mark said, "You just got chemo." Then we fist bumped. We find ourselves talking about it and it no longer seems like this surreal thing. It's real, we are going through it, and although we are early in the process, our feet are moving in a direction and I feel like we are right where we are supposed to be. This didn't happen overnight. I went through (and still am going through) a lot of emotions to get me to this place of action and of peace.<br />
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<b>Fear and Anxiety</b> were so overwhelming the first week of my diagnosis that I could hardly function. I didn't sleep. I laid in bed at night imagining that the cancer had spread all over my entire body and that there was nothing we could do about it. I cried a lot. I'm a crier anyway....so add a cancer diagnosis to an already emotional mom and I was pretty much an endless faucet. But I felt your prayers, and slowly the anxiety lessened. I still have moments of fear, like getting my port placed, and my first day of chemo, but I'm no longer living in a state of constant fear.<br />
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After I moved past the fear and anxiety, I began to feel a lot of <b>Anger. </b>Not necessarily anger at God, but just anger at the sickness and unfairness of this world. Angry that it was me. Sitting in the waiting room of my oncologist surrounded by people at least 30 years older than me. Driving in the car as an older woman in a car next to us smokes a cigarette with her windows rolled up. Really? Why me? I'm healthy, I don't smoke, I eat well, I exercise, and I have four young children. Why am I the one to get cancer? I'm not saying I would wish this disease on anyone, but when you think about the face of cancer, you probably wouldn't picture mine.<br />
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Then I started to dig my heels in the ground and <b>act like a toddler.</b> This phase didn't last long, but I'm still not proud of it. I thought, ok God, I got cancer, but ya know what? I don't wanna do it. I think I'll just sit here and live my life and eat better and exercise more and wish it away.....that'll work right? I even ran this notion by my husband, who immediately demanded that I sign over Power of Attorney to him since clearly I'm no longer capable of making decisions for myself. As my friend Carolyn put it, "maybe if we just pitch a big enough tantrum you won't have to do it?" That's exactly how I felt. I pitched a big hissy fit and stubbornly decided, nope. Not gonna do it. No chemo for me! You can't make me. And I'll sit here and bang my fists on the ground and cry until it's over. And let's just go ahead and get this port removed because I won't be needing that anymore.<br />
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Ahhh......but then, <i>Jesus. </i>Remember when Jesus prayed to our Heavenly Father in <b>Luke 22, "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done."</b> Right as I started to pray this, to pray to my Heavenly Father who loves me, <i>take this cup God. I don't want it. Give me something else. </i>As soon as I started to pray that, I started getting messages and texts and talking to people telling me that they already see the Lord moving in a mighty way. That their friend who is far from Christ is praying again. That someone who doesn't know our God personally read my blog and is following my story. That in a staff meeting, 30 people prayed for me by name. And I remembered the end of the prayer, <i>not my will, but yours</i>. THIS is why He has not taken this cup from me. Because He is doing a great work, and it's only just begun. I want His power to be displayed through me in this process.<br />
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First day of chemo....lotta good that temper tantrum did me</div>
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Yes, there are stories of people healing themselves of cancer through food and nutrition and holistic measures. And I'm not discounting those. All I know is that I've talked with my Heavenly Father, and I feel like He is telling me I need to walk through the chemo. Not because He can't heal me without it, but because the chemo is what I'm most afraid of, and I know He is going to teach me something through it. This is the story He has chosen for me, so I'm going to walk it. There are still ugly, emotional, fearful moments. I still act like a toddler. But every day we are choosing trust and choosing obedience. One step at a time.<br />
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I'm still praying for healing, but not until He has completed the work He has set out to do through this. <b>This Cancer Mountain WILL be cast out into the sea.</b> I know it will. But not yet. In His timing. Not my will, but yours. There is work to be done.<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/YNqo4Un2uZI" width="480"></iframe>Jannahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17139107439384642530noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7832397803876729335.post-90458382070972220022015-03-12T16:53:00.000-04:002015-03-12T16:53:29.960-04:00The Beginning<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
All I have to say, is WOW.</div>
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I am so undeserving, so overwhelmed, and so humbled by the outpouring of prayers, support, meals, phone calls, texts, and donations. We are speechless with thanks. It is Kingdom work, what you guys are doing. Don't let anyone tell you anything different. Cooking a meal and dropping it off matters. Texting me that you love me and are praying matters. Dropping off essential oils, recommending a book, telling me about a support group or person.....this matters. Donating money so we can pay medical bills matters. With every text, phone call, note, muffin, book, and graces you are giving me, I am renewed with hope and reminded that this is what church is. This is what Jesus meant when he said love your neighbor as yourself.<br />
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I am only 4 days in to my breast cancer diagnosis and I already feel like I can conquer the world because of the backing that I have. There are things that I didn't know I would need that you are already providing. Things that I don't have the capacity to think of. People coordinating care and meals and cleaning and laundry and food storage. Before I can ask, it has been given. And I KNOW that is the Holy Spirit at work within each and every one of you.<br />
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Some of you have been felt led to take care of VERY specific things and I want you to know that is the Holy Spirit guiding you and speaking to you and leading you to meet a need. <b>You are better than I am, because you are in-tune enough with who God made you to be to know what your gifts are and know how to be a blessing. </b>I can see your spiritual gifts and personalities coming out in the way you are caring for me. Some of you are more emotional, some are getting business done and have your game-face on taking care of the practical needs. Some are leading prayer. Whatever you are doing, I am so grateful.<br />
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God's sovereignty amazes me. I know that He is in control and that He has written the days of my life out already, but sometimes the things He does still makes my jaw drop open in awe. The provision and love during this time is one of them. The only way that I could feel more loved and taken care of and in His Holy Healing Hands is if he audibly told me Himself. That He can tell the sun to rise, control the waves, and still remember me, though I am but dust, is so humbling.<br />
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Monday and Tuesday were the darkest days of my life. I felt hopeless. I cried all day and all night both of those days. I held my children like I was never going to get to hold them again. I grieved the loss of my health, the loss of my breasts, and possibly the loss of my life. I was gripped with fear and anxiety. I cried out to the Lord over and over and felt so alone. WHY? WHY NOW? WHY ME?<br />
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I am so selfish sometimes. Whining about my circumstance when God has known about it all along and has been prepping me, loving me, preparing me. The pieces are starting to fall into place. The fear and anxiety are slowly decreasing. I can feel your prayers. I can feel His presence.<br />
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I don't know what the outcome will be. I do know that it will be a very long and hard journey, and I know that with your support and with His Mercy I will fight. I feel like we are gathering momentum now, preparing for the road ahead. Like pedaling quicker on a bike so you can make it up the hill you see ahead, we are praying, soaking up the Word, resting in His peace, and gathering an army so we can make it up this huge hill ahead of us called cancer.<br />
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Thank you isn't enough. But it's all I've got. Thank you. To family and friends near and far. Thank you for believing in me and believing in our Sovereign, Healing God. We pray that He gets all the glory in this and we get none. It is ONLY by His grace.<br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Be Strong and Courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Joshua 1:9</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Matthew 6:27</span></b><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Don't let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me.</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">John 14:1</span></b></div>
Jannahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17139107439384642530noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7832397803876729335.post-20907601219668453672015-01-07T22:19:00.000-05:002015-01-07T22:33:05.606-05:00Crockpot Chicken Taco ChiliI love Chili. All kinds.<br />
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But this one may be my favorite. Probably because throwing avocado on something solves all of life's problems.<br />
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The avocado is optional. But if you don't take that option, then we can't be friends.<br />
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I make this on cold winter nights, or hot summer ones. It doesn't matter really. There is never a bad time to eat this.<br />
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<b>Crockpot Chicken Taco Chili</b><br />
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2 chicken breasts (you can throw them in frozen!)<br />
1 can diced tomatoes<br />
1 can tomato sauce<br />
2 cups black beans (see recipe below....or you can use canned beans)<br />
1 cup frozen corn<br />
4 tablespoons taco seasoning (my<a href="http://www.markandjanna.blogspot.com/2014/02/homemade-taco-seasoning.html" target="_blank"> homemade taco seasoning recipe</a>, or one packet if you're using the packets)<br />
1-2 cups of water as needed<br />
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- throw everything in the crockpot, cook on low for 6-8 hours.<br />
- about 30 minutes before serving, pull the chicken out and shred, then add back to crockpot.<br />
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Top with sour cream and avocado, or any toppings you like!<br />
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This recipe is super easy to double. I just double everything except for the chicken and the seasoning. I've found 3 chicken breasts work just fine and about 5-6 tablespoons of seasoning.<br />
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<b>Crockpot Black Beans</b><br />
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1 pound dried black beans, soaked overnight and then drained/rinsed in the morning<br />
2 tablespoons taco seasoning<br />
2 cloves of garlic, chopped<br />
1 carton of chicken stock (about 4 cups)<br />
1-2 cups of water as needed<br />
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- throw everything in the crockpot! Cook on low for 8 hours. I start without adding any water, and just add it throughout the day if the beans are soaking up too much liquid.<br />
- separate into 2 cup portions in freezer bags, lay flat and freeze.<br />
- thaw or throw in frozen into whatever recipe you want. I use them in chili, or thaw and serve over rice with some avocado (obviously) for a quick and easy lunch.<br />
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<br />Jannahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17139107439384642530noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7832397803876729335.post-26716308234899976762015-01-02T13:26:00.000-05:002015-01-07T23:01:58.582-05:00New Year, New Perspective<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I'm not one for the resolutions.</div>
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They never work out and I feel like it's just this obligatory thing we do to trick ourselves into thinking this coming year is going to be bigger and better than the last. When really, we don't know what the next year holds and making/keeping our resolutions probably isn't going to change that. That sounded more pessimistic than I intended...</div>
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The <a href="http://markandjanna.blogspot.com/2012/01/goals-for-2012.html" target="_blank">last resolution post</a> I wrote was for 2012. I think I actually did some of those things, and some I definitely didn't do. It's good to make goals. But it's also good to recognize the stage of life we are in and know our limits. And I think I'm growing in that area. I'm learning my limits and what's important for me right now. <b>So this year is about resolving not to "do" more, but to have a change in perspective, and to accept life for what it is right now.</b></div>
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<b>To Stop Feeling Guilty About Doing Things I Love. </b>I've learned the things that make me feel refreshed and happy, and instead of feeling guilty that I'm not doing something more "productive" like laundry or cleaning or exercising or teaching someone how to properly pick up a playroom, I'm going to let myself curl up with a good book while the girls make a mess with the blocks. I'm going to cook a good meal, full of gluten and dairy and all the things we aren't supposed to eat. Because life is too short. Reading books and cooking meals and wearing jewelry and DIY crafts are things that make me happy. So I'm not going to overthink it.</div>
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<b>More Hands-Off Parenting. </b>Have I mentioned before that I'm a control freak? I need to ease up on my girls. Because they really are good kids, and I don't think I'm going to screw them up by letting them get away with things. But I <i>could</i> screw them up by yelling at them and expecting perfection. So instead of resolving to "yell less", which would just result in me continuing to yell and then feeling bad about it, I'm going to resolve to rip out the yelling from the root. To let it slide, and let them be. Let them play and make a mess. Let them ruin their one good pair of shoes because they stomped in the mud puddle. Let them make memories, and let myself be a part of those memories instead of controlling them.<br />
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<b>More Hands-On Parenting.</b> More hugs, kisses and snuggles. More reading books piled on the couch together. More carrying babies on hips. More hand holding.<br />
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<b>Re-establish Friendships. </b>I recently spent some time with some friends from high school and college. Some of these girls I have known for 18 years, and spending time chatting with them made me realize how important it is for me to have other women speaking into my life. I get so caught up in my own problems that I forget how good I have it. Hearing other people's stories and problems and joys reminded me that life isn't just about me. I haven't been a very good friend this past year. I have some amazing women just a few minutes away from me who deserve better, but still choose to call me friend. This year I want to re-establish those old friendships and <a href="http://markandjanna.blogspot.com/2013/08/our-authentic-community.html" target="_blank">better invest in the newer ones</a>.<br />
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<b>Stop Trying to Lose Weight. </b>While everyone else on earth is resolving to be skinnier and healthier, I'm going to hang on to those last few pounds of "baby weight". Not because I don't need to lose the weight, but because it doesn't really matter right now if I do. My husband loves me the way I am, and everytime I look down at that belly-pooch, I'm reminded of the gift of pregnancy and childbirth, and those four amazing girls playing at my feet. That belly-pooch worked really hard to grow my babies. And for that, I've decided to let it stay for a while.<br />
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<b>Slow Down and Live.</b> Don't worry if Lucy skips a few days of school. Don't try and get them involved in sports yet. Enjoy our quiet evenings and weekends of nothing. Accept that this stage of life is busy enough on its own, and adding activities in will only take away from our time together. To be content with my life the way it is, with all of its imperfections.</div>
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<b>Make our House a Home. </b>Whether that means painting and rearranging some things, or not painting and rearranging my attitude instead, I want to create a home that is nurturing and comforting to my family and welcoming to guests. To live in the house we are in and stop waiting for the next thing.</div>
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There are other things I hope to do this year, but I'm not going to voice them or write them down in case I don't get to do them. Because this year is about living fully where I am, being thankful for what I already have, and investing in my family instead of things that don't matter.</div>
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<br />Jannahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17139107439384642530noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7832397803876729335.post-44398672494821019552014-12-17T14:06:00.001-05:002014-12-17T14:06:59.456-05:00Cora<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
We still have Cora. She's around. You probably wouldn't know it because she ceases to be in any pictures I post. Mainly because she is either sleeping or being held by me, the picture taker.</div>
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Proof that our munchkin is growing and thriving and getting fatter by the day....</div>
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She is chatty and smiley. She loves her hands (what baby doesn't?) and loves to be held (also, what baby doesn't?). She certainly has her own little personality and is a nice mix of laid back and high maintenance. Which is how things seem to go around here.<br />
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Laid Back Qualities:<br />
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<ul>
<li>tolerates her sisters hugging, squeezing, squishing, kissing, and holding her</li>
<li>content to go anywhere and be dragged along with the rest of the family</li>
<li>flexible with her schedule and sleeping</li>
<li>can sleep in a pack n play, crib, carseat, or rocker.</li>
<li>sits and watches whatever is going on contently in her bouncy seat</li>
<li>happy happy and quick to smile</li>
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any guess on which two babies these are?</div>
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High Maintenance Qualities:<br />
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<ul>
<li>wants to be held, mainly by mama. Occasionally content being held by Lucy if she must be</li>
<li>doesn't like to be left without her mama</li>
<li>won't take a bottle consistently, or really at all. Again with the mama wanting.</li>
<li>doesn't like to be alone, or in a room that is silent. Prefers yelling, sister fighting sounds, or music to be in the background. And someone must be visible at all times</li>
<li>strangely enough, is startled by certain loud noises. Obviously children screaming or dogs barking do not fall into this "loud noise" category.</li>
<li>still has to be swaddled</li>
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Unique Cora Qualities:<br />
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<ul>
<li>obsessed with water and taking a bath. Seriously loves it more than anything</li>
<li>coos and talks and smiles to anyone who will listen</li>
<li>knows peoples voices and has strange preferences over certain people</li>
<li>has a little vein in between her eyes just like Lucy and Stella</li>
<li>seems to have fairer skin and hair like Annie</li>
<li>reminds me the most of Annie as a baby, but people tell me she looks just like Stella</li>
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We just adore Cora. While there is no doubt that life with four is difficult and challenging.....I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm so glad the Lord planned our family this way and that He chose Cora to be our fourth. She has fit into this family so perfectly, and as I always say with each child that is added, we can't remember life before her.<br />
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p.s. she is actually 4 months old now but I haven't taken her 4 month old picture yet<br />
p.s.s. the picture of the two babies is Stella and Cora. Stella on the left and Cora on the right.Jannahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17139107439384642530noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7832397803876729335.post-17137352221963828772014-11-11T16:34:00.001-05:002015-01-07T22:46:24.855-05:00Stella is 2!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Sweet Stella Bella is 2 now.</div>
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She opened presents, she ate pumpkin cupcakes, and she enjoyed all the extra love and attention on her birthday.<br />
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Stella is....in a few words.... determined, affectionate, hardy....and full of life. She is high-spirited and strong-willed. You can't hurt this girl. But she can hurt you.<br />
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She is the cuddliest of all of my kids. Even more so than Cora. She loves to hug, snuggle, and kiss. But only on her terms. If you ask for it, forget about it.<br />
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She has a mind of her own. She knows she is a princess. Most of the time, we all concede to Stella. She gets her way far too often.<br />
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She is happy to tag along and join in with whatever everyone else is doing. She is clueless most of the time, as to what we are doing or where we are going. But she just jumps in her car seat and comes along for the ride.<br />
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She is still a mama's girl at heart. She always has been. No one can make her happy the way mama can.<br />
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Surprisingly, Stella has become a very loving and sweet big sister. Honestly, I was most worried about her transitioning into not being the baby anymore. It never worried me with the other girls, but it did with Stella. But she LOVES Cora. Adores her. Wants to kiss her and hold her every chance she can get. She carries her bathroom stool around so she can watch while I feed and change Cora.<br />
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And inevitably, this happened the other day...<br />
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Lucy and Annie did it too. And I was waiting for it to happen with Stella. She loves her baby doll but she isn't quite as....nurturing...or gentle as the other two girls were at her age. She hits her baby dolls on the head on purpose and slings them around when she gets mad. So I guess it took her a little longer to decide she wanted to breastfeed.<br />
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Eventually she made the choice though. She's in.<br />
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I can't believe this girl is two. She is my baby and I still treat her like it.<br />
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Happy Birthday Stella.Jannahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17139107439384642530noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7832397803876729335.post-66653393442312704632014-11-04T22:52:00.000-05:002014-11-04T22:52:09.046-05:00BecauseBecause I know you've been dying to see more pictures of this love muffin...<br />
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<br />Jannahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17139107439384642530noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7832397803876729335.post-62619761269606029922014-08-26T13:43:00.000-04:002014-08-26T13:43:11.664-04:00Finally a Family UpdateMy poor, poor neglected blog. It takes a while to put together a blog post, even a crappy one, and I just now have the capacity to attempt one (which means these will probably be crappy). I was so sick towards the end of the pregnancy that I didn't have the energy, and now that baby is here I don't have the time.<br />
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But it's a Tuesday morning, Lucy is at school, a precious friend has my two middles, and the baby is asleep. I'm sitting at the kitchen table since we don't have a place for our computer yet, drinking a cup of coffee and realizing how incredibly blessed, and tired, I am. I'm enjoying the quiet and relishing the moment.<br />
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Some of these are quite old. From earlier this summer. But I still wanted to post them.<br />
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Remember that time I said I would post more pictures of our beach trip? Well....it finally happened.<br />
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<a href="http://markandjanna.blogspot.com/2014/06/hilton-head-part-2.html" target="_blank">Hilton Head Part 2</a><br />
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<a href="http://markandjanna.blogspot.com/2014/07/sweet-summertime.html" target="_blank">Sweet Summertime</a><br />
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I'm so proud of Lucy and all that she has accomplished in the past few weeks<br />
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<a href="http://markandjanna.blogspot.com/2014/08/lucy-lu.html" target="_blank">Lucy Lu</a><br />
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And finally, with much anticipation, introducing our newest addition. A girl.<br />
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<a href="http://markandjanna.blogspot.com/2014/08/we-had-baby.html" target="_blank">Baby Cora</a><br />
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<br />Jannahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17139107439384642530noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7832397803876729335.post-91539652608050760492014-08-18T13:22:00.000-04:002014-08-26T13:36:13.266-04:00We had a baby!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
So....we had a baby!! Amongst all the moving and birthdays and school starting and just general busyness of being a family of five, we added a new one to the bunch. </div>
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Last picture of these three the morning before the baby was born...</div>
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If you remember correctly, this baby's gender was a surprise....but we really weren't THAT surprised when baby was born and the doctor announced....it's a GIRL!<br />
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Sweet Cora Mae joined our family on August 13th.<br />
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She was my biggest baby at 7lbs. 4oz. She made quite an entrance with her screaming and wailing. The surgery for me was very eventful and probably one of the worst things I've ever experienced. There were lots of complications and issues, all of which I am mostly recovered from now....but it was a very difficult first day or two. Fortunately none of my health issues affected Cora. She has been healthy and beautiful from day one.<br />
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Everyone was at the hospital to meet Cora, (and let's face it to hear the gender), but they had to wait a very long time because of my issues in surgery. The girls were well past naptime and Stella was borderline a train wreck, so I didn't get the first sibling meeting pictures that I dreamt of but they were excited to see and hold her nonetheless.<br />
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We had a handful of names picked out...a few girl and a few boy, but nothing we had decided on concretely. We finally decided for sure on Cora for a first name, which was my great-grandmother's name. We still had a few boy names we were throwing around on the way to the hospital but nothing really felt right. I don't think either of us could commit to a boy name because we expected it to be another girl. Good thing we didn't have our hearts set on a boy name. Cora felt right. The girls loved it and we loved it. We decided on a middle name after she was born. I looked at Mark and said, "Cora Mae??". He said, "Cora Mae." And that was that.<br />
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Annie likes to call her by both names. And while I didn't intend on her having a double name, it does flow together well so we'll see what happens.<br />
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My oldest and my youngest!!</div>
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After everyone met her and went home....hilarious. Being a daddy is hard work.<br />
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Beautiful Cora Mae!!</div>
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One of my favorites from the hospital. Lucy and daddy just hangin and talking and holding Cora.<br />
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Despite the fact that we didn't know the name, let alone the gender of the baby, my friend Carolyn still managed to get us something monogrammed. Leave it to her.<br />
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Cora has been sweet from the start. Fairly easy to please and happy to just eat and sleep. I prayed for that. No really I did.<br />
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Headed home! Finally!</div>
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When we got home everyone had to hold her. Some did better than others.<br />
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Sweet baby stretches</div>
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Her one week picture...she doesn't have a special stuffed animal yet so just the sign for now. She reminds me a lot of Lucy as a newborn.<br />
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Stella had to get in on the action. Giant one week old. </div>
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Cora joining our family has felt so normal and expected. Like she has belonged in our family since the beginning. We are so thankful for another healthy, beautiful girl. We know we are so fortunate and blessed to have this many babies. The Lord has shown favor on us and we are filled with joy.Jannahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17139107439384642530noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7832397803876729335.post-62385551670378682402014-08-10T12:14:00.000-04:002014-08-26T13:52:57.430-04:00Lucy Lu<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
My baby turned 6.</div>
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I'm not sure how I'm old enough to have a six year old. It seems like yesterday this girl made me a mama for the first time. All of my children hold a special place in my heart for different reasons. Lucy is my oldest. My first. And let's face it she's pretty much a carbon copy of me.</div>
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Once again, her birthday happened during a time of transition. This time we were in the new house, barely settled....but I did have the kitchen unpacked enough to make her monkey bread muffins for breakfast, which is what she requested.</div>
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Typical of our birthdays around here, we don't make a huge deal or throw a big party. Just hang with family and friends and make the day special. We went to Monkey Joe's in the morning with cousin Abbie and left Stella at home so I could focus on Lucy for the day. Annie tagged along of course.<br />
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Then I took the girls to Claire's to spend Lucy's birthday money. Oh my word they were in heaven. I thought Annie would be too young to appreciate the girly explosion that is Claire's, but I was wrong. They went pointing from thing to thing asking the price and if they could have it/wear it/buy it. Eventually they settled on the make up stand and stayed here for a while exploring all the cosmetics. They each went home with some great stuff. Daddy was thrilled.<br />
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That night we took the golf cart to El Ranchero for Lucy's birthday dinner, complete with grandparents and family. I didn't make her birthday cake this year. I let the great people at Publix do that for me.<br />
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Annie enjoyed Lucy's birthday almost as much as Lucy did.</div>
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Lucy got to be the guinea pig newborn. We didn't have a clue what we were doing (not that we do now....) She had to endure us learning how to feed and care for a baby. And now she has to be the guinea pig again. I sort of feel like I have this baby thing somewhat nailed down, but a big kid, a school aged kid....well I've never done that before so it's brand new territory. We get to learn through you again Lucy. Thanks for letting us experiment on you.<br />
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Have you ever seen a more glamorous six year old? She is learning the art of accessorizing.<br />
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A week after she turned six, Lucy started her first day of 1st grade! This is her first year at a real elementary school. Big kid school. All day!!!<br />
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I was a little worried about her that first day, but she has done awesome and has loved every minute of school.<br />
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Leaving for school in the golf cart, true Peachtree City style.</div>
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She is riding the bus home this year, and the bus stops right at the end of our street so I can walk to meet her each day. I can't believe she got on the right bus and got off at the right stop. She's so grown up!</div>
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Telling me all about her day over a plate of cookies was my favorite part. </div>
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Lucy has had to go through so many changes all at once this year. Becoming a big sister again, moving, and starting school in a new city and making new friends. She has handled it beautifully and has taken on new responsibilities without skipping a beat. I'm so proud of how she has chipped in and helped me.<br />
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She is my shopping buddy, my diaper fetcher, my little sister entertainer, and my chatty little shadow. She loves to help, loves to talk, and loves to be independent. She is nurturing, considerate, and full of life. She is moody and girly and sparkly. I'm so proud of you Lucy and all that you have become!Jannahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17139107439384642530noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7832397803876729335.post-34905213305332100362014-07-29T11:33:00.000-04:002014-08-26T11:33:48.473-04:00Sweet Summertime<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Since I've been horrible about blogging lately, I'm gonna give you a quick run down of our summer in pictures. This summer went by way too quickly....and also crawled in a way since I was huge and pregnant and sick and had a super good attitude. </div>
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I tried to enjoy the moments I felt good, and not too feel guilty during the moments I had to lay down and stay out of the action. </div>
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Enjoying a morning walk on the cooler days. How sweet are they all snuggled up?</div>
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We spent a lot of time in the back yard playing with water. I had big plans to use our neighborhood pool but we didn't make it there as often as I would have liked. Getting three kids to the pool and supervising them all by myself just felt a little daunting so most days we just stayed home.</div>
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Grilling and eating outside. One of the best parts about summer.</div>
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Mark and I also celebrated our 8th anniversary this summer. EIGHT years??? How is that possible? And that's just the time we've been married....we dated 4-5 years before that. We have almost reached the point where we have been together longer than we have been apart.</div>
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Again, celebrating pregnant and with three kids is about as glamorous as you would expect....but we did enjoy a night out just the two of us and hope to take a trip maybe in a year or two for another anniversary. Life with little ones is restricting sometimes, but also so rewarding.</div>
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We left the littles at home, and Mark, Lucy and I drove to Virginia for my cousin's wedding. It was such a nice getaway and we enjoyed the time with our oldest for a change. Lucy had a blast getting all the attention for the weekend. We enjoyed exploring Virginia and spending time with family.</div>
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Mark and I celebrated our 30th birthday! Just another excuse to get a cookie cake....<br />
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Lots of days of playing indoors when it was too hot, and enjoying each other with no school and no agenda.<br />
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July 4th was spent with friends and family in Peachtree City. Thank goodness it was a nice, cool, breezy day because we spent a lot of time outside at the parade and watching fireworks.<br />
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The girls enjoyed mommy's craving for chocolate milkshakes...and lots of popsicles outside.<br />
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At the end of the summer, right before baby, we MOVED. Because you know, adding a 4th child to your bunch isn't a big enough change. You need to change your address too. Not just your address, but school districts and cities too. And pack a bunch of boxes. And then unpack them. Its super fun, you should try it the next time you have a baby.<br />
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We got moved in thanks to fabulous family and friends who packed, unpacked, brought meals, entertained the girls, and help me get my house livable. We still have a lot to do....don't look in our garage please. But the essentials are done and we are enjoying living in Peachtree City. We have wanted to move here for a long time and while this wasn't the best timing in the world, the opportunity presented itself and we felt like it was the best move for our family. We are in an awesome school district, a nice, quiet neighborhood, and while the house is old and smaller than what we have, it has suited our needs just fine. I'm all about simplifying anyway.<br />
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Lucy and I enjoyed a date night out, shopping and eating. I love spending one on one time with her. She just comes a live with personality.<br />
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Happy Summer!Jannahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17139107439384642530noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7832397803876729335.post-13913016119647275252014-06-30T09:45:00.000-04:002014-08-26T09:46:12.857-04:00Hilton Head Part 2<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
More pictures from our fabulous trip to Hilton Head!</div>
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Loaded up in the van ready to go.....we left around bedtime so the girls would sleep <strike>all</strike> most of the trip. It didn't quite work out like we planned. Stella fussed for a while and Annie stayed awake (although quiet) almost the entire time. Eventually everyone fell asleep and it was peaceful. My kids have never been great car sleepers. They like their beds.</div>
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One of the first nights there I took Lucy and Annie to walk on the beach....it is SO beautiful at sunset!</div>
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Our mornings were spent on the beach, followed by a swim in the pool, then lunch, then naps, then more swimming in the pool. The girls loved the ocean and I'm surprised at how much swimming they actually did in it. Lucy and Mark would ride the waves over and over. Stella stayed in the sand by me most of the time, and Annie went back and forth doing both.<br />
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You can tell she had zero fun.</div>
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Sweet baby just played and played in the sand. She was so content with a shovel and an occasional bucket full of water to dump everywhere.</div>
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Eventually they hijacked our chairs.</div>
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So glad my girls love the beach as much as I do. I'm not sure what I would do if they hated it.<br />
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Don't judge me for the floaties. This thing was amazing in the baby pool so that I could sit by the side and rest. Remember I'm hugely pregnant on this beach trip. Resting is in. Wrangling children in the pool is not.<br />
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So thankful for our little family trip to the beach before baby comes!Jannahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17139107439384642530noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7832397803876729335.post-40948605705077829652014-06-29T16:32:00.000-04:002014-06-29T16:32:26.440-04:00Hilton Head<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
We had the pleasure of going to Hilton Head with Mark's parents a few weeks ago and had such an amazing time. We didn't think we were going to be able to get away this summer but last minute this opportunity arose and we jumped on it. I'm so thankful we were able to spend time together as a family of five before the new baby comes (just 6 weeks away....eeeeek!!!)</div>
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Honestly, there was a lot of resting, swimming, and just sitting in the sand. I didn't take my camera anywhere....I hardly took my purse anywhere. It was fabulous. Flip flops and bathing suits were the only attire, and we ate lots of yummy beach food.<br />
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I walked on the beach one night with the big girls while Stella went to bed early and realized how beautiful and peaceful it was, so we took them back the next night to try to get a few pictures, to prove that we did, in fact, go to the beach, and to document these beautiful girls growing up right before our eyes.<br />
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I got a few pictures of us swimming and doing random things on my phone but I'm glad we took the time to have a little mini photo shoot with the girls in some sweet sundresses. I'm such a sucker for sundresses.<br />
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If you look really close you can see that Annie gained a few freckles on the trip.<br />
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Lucy tanned all beautiful and bronze-like. Stella is somewhere in the middle. Not quite as fair as Annie but not the brown lady Lucy is either. I slathered them all in spf 50 every day but they still got pretty good tans.<br />
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To say they loved the beach would be a massive understatement. Adored. Discovered. Inhaled. I especially love how Stella just sat down and made herself at home every morning in the sand after we set up our chairs. She is my child.<br />
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They had a blast running around and splashing, discovering sea creatures, and getting their adorable sundresses all wet and sandy.<br />
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I just wanted to pause life. Right there.<br />
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<b><i>The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands.</i></b></div>
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<b><i>Psalm 19:1</i></b></div>
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<br />Jannahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17139107439384642530noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7832397803876729335.post-28468732330035913592014-05-16T17:35:00.002-04:002014-05-16T17:35:51.358-04:00Catch upLots of new posts!! Some of these I posted a few days ago but they have been updated so be sure to check them all out!<br />
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<a href="http://markandjanna.blogspot.com/2014/05/lucys-graduation.html" target="_blank">Lucy's Graduation</a><br />
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<a href="http://markandjanna.blogspot.com/2014/05/spring-in-nutshell.html" target="_blank">Spring in a Nutshell</a> (kind of it's own catch up post as it's really long!!)<br />
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<a href="http://markandjanna.blogspot.com/2014/04/easter.html" target="_blank">Easter</a><br />
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I can't promise that I will be better about blogging. Not that anyone really cares. But this pregnancy has been SO hard on me (I think I say that everytime) and in just a few short months (eeeeeek!) my time will be occupied with FOUR little ones. I know, I know, there are moms of 8 who homeschool and work from home and blog every day and blah blah blah. But I am not those moms.<br />
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But I will try to do better.Jannahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17139107439384642530noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7832397803876729335.post-248229300795464762014-05-16T17:06:00.001-04:002014-05-16T18:10:53.680-04:00Lucy's Graduation<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
It seems like just yesterday I was sending this girl off to Kindergarten....</div>
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Now she's all grown up and we are finished with her first official year of school!<br />
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Stella had to get in the pic too. Annie was probably still upstairs grumbling something about sleep or juice. She is not my morning person.<br />
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We were so blessed to have such a fabulous teacher for Lucy this year. I literally could not have asked for/prayed for/wished for a better kindergarten experience. As some of you know, we moved into our house in August of last year, and the kindergarten that Lucy was registered for was about 30 minutes away, so last minute we decided to move her to one in downtown Newnan that was about 6 minutes away, and I'm so glad we did. It is the sweetest little school, plus it was only half a day AND she had Fridays off. Oh how we loved our Fridays!<br />
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On Monday they had Kindergarten Graduation. I'm so glad they have graduation...it's such a sweet time for the kids and their families. I cannot believe how fast Lucy is growing up. She was my first baby!! And now she is almost 6 and has graduated from kindergarten. I need a time fairy.<br />
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They had a sweet graduation ceremony, complete with diplomas and caps and gowns. Lucy's diploma is upside down. Apparently they didn't cover that in class.<br />
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After the ceremony we had a brunch and the kids performed Eric Carle's <i>The Grouchy Ladybug</i>.<br />
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And who do you think The Grouchy Ladybug was?<br />
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Lucy was the star of the show. I'm assuming she was chosen for the lead role because of her acting ability, not because of her grouchiness......but I could be wrong there.<br />
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<b>"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11</b></div>
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It seems like I am constantly in prayer over this girl and the Lord's plans for her. I am trying to give up my own plans and submit to His. I forget sometimes that she is a child of God first, and that I am just blessed enough to be a part of her life too. I KNOW that the Lord has a plan for Lucy. A good plan, an amazing plan, a plan that will lead her straight to Him.<br />
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Congrats Lucy! We are so proud of you.Jannahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17139107439384642530noreply@blogger.com2