Friday, December 10, 2010

This week was a big week for me pregnancy-wise. Last Sunday was the 24 week mark, which all you medical professionals and pregnancy connoisseurs will know is the age of viability. Being a medical professional AND a bit of a paranoid mama this go round, I have been counting down the days to the age of viability. If something were to happen I know now that my baby would at least have a chance at survival outside of the womb, so it was a huge milestone for me.

On Thursday I had an appointment with the high risk OB, and after another very in depth ultrasound, it was confirmed that baby girl is healthy and growing and there are no longer any reasons why I should be followed by a specialist, so I am officially out of the high risk category! The specialist was fabulous, and I absolutely loved that ultrasound tech, but I am SO glad to not have to visit that office anymore. It was like I was just waiting for them to find something else wrong with her or with me.....but it's all good now and I'm just a regular old pregnant gal with all the normal symptoms and problems that go along with pregnancy and nothing more. Which makes me very grateful.

With Lucy, I don't really remember meeting any of the big milestones of pregnancy. I definitely took her pregnancy for granted, partly because it was unplanned but partly because I was naive and unscarred. This time around I have been much more cautious. Not necessarily by following all the pregnancy "rules" (cuz I've never been much of a rule follower....) but more in my mindset. I haven't started to get her room ready, I still check to see if I'm bleeding every time I go to the bathroom, I worry if I haven't felt her kick enough that day, I haven't started nesting or getting any of the baby gear out, I don't talk about the pregnancy much. I guess these are just ways I protect myself and guard my heart. It's not out of lack of faith, it's just out of experience. I know that 2 out of my past 3 pregnancies have ended in heartache, and so naturally that is what my mind expects. My heart expects the Lord to be faithful and give us a healthy baby girl in March, but my mind is logical and the odds are not in my favor. But with these two milestones, I feel like the odds are finally starting to be in my favor. With every week that goes by, the chance of her surviving outside the womb are greater and the risk of complications goes down. My mind and my heart are at war with one another, one completely trusting and hoping, and the other preparing for the worst. Plus add all the fun pregnancy emotions and mood swings and you'll realize why I seem so crazy sometimes :)

I've also had a hard time connecting to her. In a way I don't WANT to connect to her, not yet. I'm praying daily for more confidence and reassurance, and I keep thinking that after every doctor's appointment I'll have this moment where I go, "I'm actually pregnant and having a baby!" but it hasn't happened....I mean I have moments where I think about the nursery and want to buy her a little pink outfit, but most moments I don't think about it, and I kind of forget that I'm pregnant. Mark has to remind me to lay down and rest and take care of myself because I forget to drink water and nap and it's not until I'm having contractions or getting a migraine from the lack of food or sleep that I realize maybe I should take it easy. Probably the opposite of what most people would do in my situation, but you don't really know what you would do if you were in my situation until you're in it.

So I'm coping the best way I know how, while trying to remain positive and get excited, because before we know it we're gonna be blind-sided by this new little life that I wasn't "expecting" or preparing for because I was too busy worrying.

1 comment:

HB said...

Still praying for you and your family every day. Love you so much and know that God is holding you all close to him during this exciting yet trepidacious time. Take care of yourself and try and rest in the peace that only our Heavenly Father can offer. xoxo