I feel like jumping up and down, I feel not moving so that nothing will go wrong; I feel like rejoicing, I feel like crying; I feel like pinching myself to make sure its not a dream.
Although I am beyond thrilled and grateful that this pregnancy has progressed so well, I can't help but mourn the babies I lost. Because every milestone I reach with this pregnancy, I am reminded that I never got to reach with my other two babies. I never saw their heartbeat on ultrasound, I never felt them kick, I never found out their genders. It makes me miss them, and makes me want to experience all of those things with them. There is a common misconception that when you miscarry, that getting pregnant again will "replace" the baby you lost. Of course anyone who has ever lost a baby knows this is not true, but everyone who hasn't acts like it is. And really at times this pregnancy has made my losses feel all the more real to me.
I want to be clear that my journey through miscarriage is not over. It will never be over until I hold those babies in Heaven, because I am forever their mother. I am so grateful for the outlet this blog has been, and the outpouring of prayers and support I have received from friends, family, and people I've never met. But just because I'm pregnant with a healthy baby girl doesn't mean it's all over and everything's better and I'm not hurting anymore. BUT, I do want to rejoice each milestone of this pregnancy and praise the Lord for His faithfulness in keeping this baby strong and healthy. I guess what I'm saying is, don't be surprised if one day I'm posting ultrasound pictures and gushing about this pregnancy, and the next I'm posting about how I'm hurting and missing the other babies. It's a rollercoaster ride. I'm caught in the middle of these emotions.
I am grateful, amazed, and humbled that the Lord has given us this baby. But I am human, and I still hurt and I still question and I still wonder what those babies would have been like. I am learning that I will never completely recover. It's getting easier every day, and my Heavenly Father has healed me more than I thought possible. But I will always remember them and always long for them.
1 comment:
I can relate. Every time I was asked (or continue to be asked) if this is my first, my heart breaks a little bit. I love Ella to pieces, and yet I still remember my losses. My time is here on earth, but I truly believe that I have "treasures in heaven" waiting for me.
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