Saturday, May 27, 2006

Spiritual Journey Through Miscarriage

My Spiritual Journey Through Miscarriage

My faith was shaken in a profound way, especially with the second loss. Everything I believed or thought I knew about my Heavenly Father meant nothing to me anymore. What I experienced with Him didn’t match up to what I knew about Him in my head. 

I felt angry, confused, and abandoned. Utterly abandoned.

 I was in the darkest place I’ve ever been spiritually. I had to dig and question and re-learn everything I had been taught. I share this because there shouldn’t be any guilt associated with doubting or dissecting your faith.

 There is a false message that if you question, your faith isn’t strong enough. I think faith that has been rattled and broken creates an unchangeable faith. 

I can forever look back on this time and say, my God delivered me, restored me, and showed Himself to me

I will never doubt that because I experienced it first hand. There are things that I believe now that I didn’t used to, and the opposite is also true. I know what I believe because the Lord changed my heart. And I am now more in tune to what He is telling me and doing in me than I ever have been before. Why? Because I know Him, personally. Better than that, I LOVE Him because I know Him.

The loss of my two babies changed my faith in a way I wish I could put into words. So much so, that I am convinced that was their purpose. The Lord used them to bring me back to Himself. Their purpose could only be fulfilled by dying in the womb, never meeting their earthly mother. I don’t know if I would ever have the faith that I do now if it wasn’t for those two babies. At times I feel guilty that I am so stubborn that it took two miscarriages for my eyes to be opened fully. But that’s what’s so freeing about a life in Christ, there is no guilt, no shame. 

He has redeemed. Fear and guilt come only from the enemy, and I am quick to extinguish them both when I feel them well up inside. Because as anyone who has experienced a miscarriage knows, fear and guilt can consume.

So here I am on the other side, one year from my first loss. I didn’t think it would take me this long to learn from the loss, and I definitely didn’t think I would experience more than one loss. But I did, and to my great surprise, I survived it. The Lord carried me through. It didn’t feel like He was always carrying me while I was going through it, but I know He was. He is good. ALL the time.

The Lord can redeem anything. A mistake, a death, a loss. He can and WILL redeem it. 

He has redeemed my two miscarriages and somehow turned it into good and was glorified through it all. I am so grateful for a Heavenly Father who knew me when I was in the womb, and knew my babies for the short time they were in mine. Now He holds them in Heaven until the day I can hold them. My heart hurts for the people who have experienced loss and don’t have the hope of Heaven. 

I hope my story will be used to further His Kindgom, and bring people to the Lord so that they can have the hope of Heaven too. Please contact me if you want to talk or need support. Sometimes just knowing someone has experienced this kind of hurt is comforting. To know that you are not alone.

If you missed my story, you can read about it here:

The First One

The Second Time


molly said...

I love you girl. I should really stop reading your posts at my desk because once again-crying at work=). I admire your honesty. I know the Lord has taught me so much by watching you and your growth. Miss you.

Meredith Butler said...

Wow...this is so powerful. Thank you for being so open and sharing with us. I am truly encouraged after reading this. I love you!