Lately...

Do you ever feel like a decision you are making is life or death? That you won't ever recover if you make the wrong one? I know I have felt that in the past, and looking back now, I would say that whatever I chose would have worked out either way. But when you're in the middle of a big decision, it really feels like if you make the wrong one, your life is over. I think we get in this mindset that God has one specific will for our lives, and if we make one bad decision, it will completely throw us off His course, and we will be out of His will forever. I have felt like that recently, and I think that fear is not of our Heavenly Father. We are making some big decisions that will greatly affect the future for our family, but I know that no matter what decision we make, since it has been so deeply rooted in prayer, that God will use it for His good, and will somehow accomplish His will through it.

Mark always says that the line between faith and stupidity is very small, and I completely agree. There is this constant tension between doing for yourself, and sitting back and letting the Lord do for you. I think medicine is one of the clearest analogies of that. When do you depend on doctors, and when do you say enough is enough, and just pray for a miracle? Fortunately, we are not to that crossroad yet, even though sometimes it feels like it. Right after I miscarried for the second time, we decided we would undergo some basic testing to see what's going on. At the time, I felt great about that decision and was at peace about it. Lately, I've been doubting. Thinking maybe we should just try ONE more time and see if everything works out....maybe we should pray our way through the next pregnancy and hope the Lord protects the next baby...maybe it's something simple we can fix on our own without all these expensive tests. That's my independent side talking....my "I can fix it myself" attitude.

On Monday, we went to small group as usual, and I shared that I was considering not doing any testing. Mainly because of financial reasons. We don't have health insurance right now since Mark is out of work, and even if we did, they would most likely not cover any of these tests anyway. I just don't want to be a bad steward of what little money we have. So....what most people would consider stupid, we consider stepping out in faith. We decided that if the Lord provided, we would follow through and keep my doctor appointment next Monday. If he didn't, we would take it as a sign to take a step back and re-evaluate, or discontinue seeking treatment all together. Not to test God, but to genuinely give it over to Him and completely put it in His control. I think there's a difference. God is faithful, and He is trustworthy, and He DOES care about us. All of these things that I questioned after we lost another baby, are now confirmed. Suffice it to say, He provided. Miraculously. Like, through those crazy stories that you only hear about and that never happen to you. Well it happened to us. It's just a sweet reminder that even though I still feel His silence, His hand is on our family, and it was like His little way of saying, I'm still here, Janna, and there is hope. I'm crying typing it, because I'm realizing it all over again....there is hope.

And because I can't post without giving you some pictures of my sweet girl, here's what Lucy has been up to lately. So glad she is oblivious to our pain and stress.

At my company kickball game. She loved it, but was a little upset that she couldn't play too.

Playing in a house I got for her at a garage sale for $10!!

She loves this little house. At the end of the day I have to go through it because she'll pick random stuff up and stash it in her house. I found like 3 sippy cups in there one day.

Miss attitude

Didn't think this would be so long....but this is kind of a nice outlet :) Keep us in our prayers. We go Monday, May 10 to discuss options with my doctor and hopefully begin preliminary testing....as the Lord leads.