Did you miss me?

A lot has happened since I posted last! For starters, Mark and I celebrated our 4th anniversary! We made it through 4 years. We should get some kind of medal. Not really. Being married to Mark is pretty easy. Our lives have not been easy, but the marriage part has been atleast :) We have only grown stronger through all our struggles, and I am so thankful for that. I know many couples are pulled apart from long distance jobs, losing jobs, miscarriages, or financial stress. We have endured all those things in a very short amount of time and have only gotten closer and learned to lean on each other more. I am so thankful to be married to a man after God's own heart, a man who longs to bless the Lord through his family, and a man who longs to bless his family by serving them. We just finished up an amazing marriage series at our church, and last week's message still resonates in my mind. We've heard this verse a million times, but it spoke to me differently this time,

1 Corinthians 13 on Love....."It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

I love the New King James version, Love "bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

When we got married, we didn't know what the "all things" would be, even in our first few years the "all things" has proven to be much more of a challenge than I anticipated. But the rewards are even greater! The satisfaction of going through a trial together, and being able to look each other in the eye at the end of it and say, "I bear all things for you, I believe all things about you, I hope all things for you, and I endure all things with you." That is Love how God planned it. Even in our imperfection, our love for each other has grown beyond what I ever imagined. How much more does the Father love us, in His perfection? So much that He gave his only Son, and then promised us life with Him for eternity! I don't want to be satisfied in this life, because then I would forget about eternity! This world is not my home. I may never have another child on this earth. But I know I have two more waiting for me in Heaven. Mark may never find another job, and we may struggle and lose everything. But I have a mansion waiting for me in Heaven. And even greater than that, I have my Jesus, my Savior, waiting for me in Heaven. To finally hold me and hug me and welcome me home.

It's easy to say, "atleast I know things will be perfect in Heaven," but to really believe it, and really live it out, that's what I've been striving for lately. I've never believed that as strongly as I do right now, and honestly, I've never NEEDED to believe it as strongly as I do right now.

Mark and were blessed to be able to get away and go to Hilton Head for our anniversary. To say we needed it would be an understatement. It was amazing. We had SO much fun, and it challenged me to continue to put our marriage first, above Lucy and all other relationships in my life. Before we left, we found out that all my bloodwork that was done came back normal. So as of now, we have no clue why I miscarried twice in a row. While I'm thrilled that I don't have any chronic medical conditions or any otherwise known problems as to why I miscarried, you can't fix something that isn't broken, so the fear of it happening again has become very real to me. There are more tests we can do, but we don't feel comfortable moving forward with them right now. If I do miscarry again, my doctor wants to do genetic testing and some more invasive (hint...expensive) tests. She also told us that there is a very real possibility I will lose another baby. That's the chance we take. Fear of the unknown future can consume. Whenever I feel consumed by fear, I remember my hope of Heaven.

Why do I go on such long rants?? Sorry if I rambled. Seriously though, check out the marriage series we just finished, called "Staying in Love" on Southside's website.

Next time I won't ramble, I'll just post some sweet videos of Lucy swimming. That'll keep you coming back for more :)

It's a love-hate relationship....

Me and Heidi that is. Well, just me and Heidi during the summer....and when it rains....and when she's annoying. Just kidding. I love Heidi, I really do. She is an AMAZING dog. So amazing in fact, I expect too much out of her sometimes. It's not her fault her nails clip clop on our wood floor. It's not her fault she drags water around the kitchen after she drinks. And it's really not her fault that she sheds like this during the hot summer months...

That picture is from just one ten minute brushing session. And it doesn't even compare to what Mark got off of her yesterday. I realize that 99% of my annoyances with Heidi stem from my anal retentiveness to have my house clean at all times, and that's just not possible with a dog. It's especially not possible with a dog and a toddler chasing around that dog all day long. But that's the sacrifice I make to have Heidi living in the house with us. It's totally worth it. She protects us, she's amazing with Lucy (and provides hours of entertainment for her), she is very well behaved, she really isn't that messy compared to most dogs, she's a great cuddler, and she keeps me company at night when Mark isn't home. But when the first hot summer months hit and she begins to blow her coat, in my house....in my CLEAN house....I can forget all of her positive aspects :)

So while I'm cleaning up after Heidi, this is what Lucy does:

What a little bookworm. Both of these pictures were taken when the house got quiet and I went looking for her, expecting her to be into something she shouldn't be. Instead I found her sweetly reading to herself :) Precious.

Quote of the Day

(Scene: Me changing Lucy's diaper, when suddenly a familiar sound is heard...)

Lucy: "I toot."

Me: "What did you do?" (shocked)

Lucy: "hehehe......I toot."

I have a feeling she's not gonna be one of those princess-loving, jewelry-wearing, doesn't know how to throw a ball prissy girls. And I am just fine with that :)

Update

It was a difficult weekend. Mother's Day was harder than I thought. I am a mother, and I get to celebrate that, but it makes me miss and long for the babies that I lost. Mark and Lucy gave me extra love and pampering that day, and it made me feel a lot better. It was bittersweet to say the least. Monday was met with the doctor's appointment I've been dreading. I don't know why I've been dreading it, I guess the fear of starting over? We did get some fairly good news though. We didn't do near as much testing as I thought, which is good, because I wanted to be on the conservative side. And my doctor is fairly confident some basic treatment will be sufficient for the next pregnancy. Right now I'm taking baby aspirin daily, and will start progesterone as soon as I get pregnant again. Which brings me to that.....I'm afraid of being pregnant again. Like, terrified. I WANT to be pregnant, but I'm afraid to be. There won't be near as much celebration this next time I found out I'm expecting. I hate that. I hate that I have been robbed of my joy.

I don't want to sound whiny, because I DO realize my blessings. Throughout this journey, I've connected with a lot of women who have experienced multiple losses, and so many have it far worse than I do. Women who have had 8 miscarriages and don't have any living children....I cannot imagine. I am SO blessed to be a mother. Sometimes I get caught up in what I don't have, that I forget what I do have, a beautiful, lively, brilliant, almost two year old who makes me smile when I feel like crying. And I need to relish in this moment with her, because I know it's going to go by too fast. I want to teach her what the Lord has taught me through suffering and pain, I want to prepare her for life, prepare her heart for what Christ has planned for her. I want to "bring her up in the training and instruction of the Lord" as Ephesians says. And I can't do that if I'm crying in the corner, afraid of what life will hand me next.

So we're going to take it one step at a time, we're going to keep trying, even if it hurts. Because its worth it. I would have 10 miscarriages if at the end of them I got Lucy. And I'll have 10 now to get our next child. We'll keep trying until the Lord tells us we're done. But for now, He's saying, keep going, have faith. So we will. Because what He has planned for us is SO much better than what we have planned.

Lately...

Do you ever feel like a decision you are making is life or death? That you won't ever recover if you make the wrong one? I know I have felt that in the past, and looking back now, I would say that whatever I chose would have worked out either way. But when you're in the middle of a big decision, it really feels like if you make the wrong one, your life is over. I think we get in this mindset that God has one specific will for our lives, and if we make one bad decision, it will completely throw us off His course, and we will be out of His will forever. I have felt like that recently, and I think that fear is not of our Heavenly Father. We are making some big decisions that will greatly affect the future for our family, but I know that no matter what decision we make, since it has been so deeply rooted in prayer, that God will use it for His good, and will somehow accomplish His will through it.

Mark always says that the line between faith and stupidity is very small, and I completely agree. There is this constant tension between doing for yourself, and sitting back and letting the Lord do for you. I think medicine is one of the clearest analogies of that. When do you depend on doctors, and when do you say enough is enough, and just pray for a miracle? Fortunately, we are not to that crossroad yet, even though sometimes it feels like it. Right after I miscarried for the second time, we decided we would undergo some basic testing to see what's going on. At the time, I felt great about that decision and was at peace about it. Lately, I've been doubting. Thinking maybe we should just try ONE more time and see if everything works out....maybe we should pray our way through the next pregnancy and hope the Lord protects the next baby...maybe it's something simple we can fix on our own without all these expensive tests. That's my independent side talking....my "I can fix it myself" attitude.

On Monday, we went to small group as usual, and I shared that I was considering not doing any testing. Mainly because of financial reasons. We don't have health insurance right now since Mark is out of work, and even if we did, they would most likely not cover any of these tests anyway. I just don't want to be a bad steward of what little money we have. So....what most people would consider stupid, we consider stepping out in faith. We decided that if the Lord provided, we would follow through and keep my doctor appointment next Monday. If he didn't, we would take it as a sign to take a step back and re-evaluate, or discontinue seeking treatment all together. Not to test God, but to genuinely give it over to Him and completely put it in His control. I think there's a difference. God is faithful, and He is trustworthy, and He DOES care about us. All of these things that I questioned after we lost another baby, are now confirmed. Suffice it to say, He provided. Miraculously. Like, through those crazy stories that you only hear about and that never happen to you. Well it happened to us. It's just a sweet reminder that even though I still feel His silence, His hand is on our family, and it was like His little way of saying, I'm still here, Janna, and there is hope. I'm crying typing it, because I'm realizing it all over again....there is hope.

And because I can't post without giving you some pictures of my sweet girl, here's what Lucy has been up to lately. So glad she is oblivious to our pain and stress.

At my company kickball game. She loved it, but was a little upset that she couldn't play too.

Playing in a house I got for her at a garage sale for $10!!

She loves this little house. At the end of the day I have to go through it because she'll pick random stuff up and stash it in her house. I found like 3 sippy cups in there one day.

Miss attitude

Didn't think this would be so long....but this is kind of a nice outlet :) Keep us in our prayers. We go Monday, May 10 to discuss options with my doctor and hopefully begin preliminary testing....as the Lord leads.