10 Things I learned in 2015

While I don't want to spend too much time dwelling on the past year, I do feel the need to write and express the things that stood out to me. It was A. Crazy. Year. But I think we can all agree that when we walk through valleys we come out the other side full of new experiences, perspectives, and wisdom. So straight to it, the top ten things I learned in this valley of 2015:

10. I'm not defined by my body or appearance. 

Take a young, semi-confident woman, shave her bald and cut off her boobs and you'll watch her confidence go with her hair. This was a hard lesson to learn this year! I didn't realize how vain I was or how much thought I put into my appearance until my appearance was taken from me. Sure, my hair is growing back, and I will have reconstruction hopefully in the next month, but I have a lot of scars, and I can tell physically that I'll just never be the same. Thank goodness there is more to me than my body and the way that I look! I still love taking care of myself and wearing make up and being a woman, but I no longer stress about the way my body looks in clothes or if my hair is having a crazy day. Walk it off. You're bigger than that.

9. I'm stronger than I thought.

I'm not giving myself credit here, because as I've already said, it was the Lord and my friends and family who pulled me through this past year. BUT, the mental game is huge, especially when fighting cancer, and it turns out my mental game is strong. Well, either strong or stubborn. Maybe a healthy dose of both.

8. Life in community is better than life alone.

I can't stress this enough, and yet it also seems I can't drill this into my strong stubborn mind either. Just this past week we had to start a new small group at church, all new people starting over with all new stories and I didn't want to go! Mark practically had to drag me. Even though our past small groups have been the bomb and so worth it, I just wanted to stay home. But really....I've learned my lesson. I know life in community is better. It's how God created us. Even if I don't want to admit it and sometimes I end up rocking in the fetal position in the corner from social overload.

7. We can all relate to heartache.

Pain is pain, and grief is grief, no matter the form it comes in. Whether it's a miscarriage, depression, the death of a friend or family member, an emotional wound, a divorce, or a cancer diagnosis, it all hurts, and every hurt counts. Your hurt might not be the same as mine, but it matters just as much, and we can lean on each other and carry each other through all the different circumstances that make our hearts ache.

6. My time is more valuable than I realized.

The mom, wife, homemaker job isn't exactly high paying. In fact, I earn approximately zero dollars taking care of my kids, husband and house. Rewarding? YES. But I don't get a lot of praise for it and sometimes I wonder how valuable I actually am at home. This past year I realized how much I actually do, and I think my husband and kids realized it too. At one particular meeting I was having with my friend Libby, while we were coordinating all the meals and childcare and cleaning for the week, she said to me, "look at all these different people we are having to get just to do your job." When I saw that it took 10 people to fill in for one mom (me), it made me feel pretty good. There is a lot that goes on unseen and isn't always appreciated, but now I see how much value is in it and how much would go undone if I didn't do it.

5. I really really enjoy writing.

I've always enjoyed blogging, and I've kept a journal pretty much my whole life. But I never thought I had anything important to say publicly. This year blogging and journaling became such a necessary outlet for me that I realized how much I really enjoy writing. I hope this can be a starting point for something more. Whatever that may look like, I know that I want to write more and make time for it in my life.

4. No one is immune to suffering.

I used to think that because x, y, z happened to me, then nothing else would. And since I did x, y, z, then my life wouldn't necessarily be perfect, but it would probably be free of major heartache and difficulty. HA! That's hilarious and so stupid and illogical. But I admit, deep down, it's what I thought. The suffering I have experienced in my life is a teeny tiny blip on the radar compared to a lot of people, and I know that. But I used to think that since my parents divorced when I was young and I had miscarriages and didn't have a perfect life, then I was immune to something major. I thought I already experienced my "something major" so I'm good now. Unfortunately, the world doesn't keep tabs on what's happened to you in the past, and life is hard sometimes. It might be easy for a while, and I pray it is, but just because I've had cancer now doesn't mean the rest of my life will be a cakewalk. Although I'll certainly take it if it is.

3. I have rockstar friends.

I mean, its ridiculous you guys. I can't even explain. I tried to, in that one post, but that wasn't even the tip of the iceberg. There were so many people I didn't mention who gave selflessly of themselves, of their time, money, and resources just for our little family. It's so humbling. And my closest friends are the best ones there are. Like, seriously. I feel sorry for you that they are my friends and not your friends because they really are the best. But not that sorry because they're mine.

2. I have a rockstar husband.

I already knew he was a gem. But this past year proved it even more. He officially upped his status to rockstar. All of the unseen things that he did for me and for our family, without appreciation, and most of the time with me whining/crying about something. He was such a faithful servant to all of us and I hope I can spend the rest of my life making it up to him.

1. God is always faithful, and He can be trusted.

This was a hard lesson to learn. Because of COURSE God is faithful, but as I wrote about in another post, just because I trust him, doesn't mean I'm going to get what I want. And that's a hard thing to accept. I'll be honest, this is something I am still working out with my Heavenly Father and something that continues to be woven into my everyday battle. Trusting in Him, relinquishing my plans, submitting to His. And while this past year certainly gave me a shove in the right direction, unclenching my hands to His will for my life has to be done every single morning.

Looking forward to 2016 and all the learning and living and loving He has planned.

"Surely then you will lift up your face without blemish; you will be secure and will not fear. You will forget your misery; you will remember it as waters that have passed away. And your life will be brighter than the noonday; its darkness will be like the morning. And you will feel secure, because there is hope; you will look around and take your rest in security." - Job 11:15-18

One Word for 2016

As most of you know, I'm not one to make resolutions. I don't like setting myself up for failure. Also I think it's cliche and I like to believe I'm too cool to jump on that bandwagon. But really it's just laziness and my pride that hold me back. 

So instead of a list of all the things I want to do and be this year (although I certainly have some goals in mind) I've been focusing on a word. A word that can sum up my actions and goals and allow me to hone in on what must be done vs. what can wait for another season. So get ready.....my word for 2016 is:

HEALING.

Obviously, physical healing from everything my body has been through. I'm still very fatigued from the chemo and radiation, but I also had a very major surgery and am having another one in the next month or so, and it's important for me to focus on what my body is telling me. If I'm tired, then I need to rest. Which means I'll have to let some other things go. But if my focus is on healing, then I can be confident that resting is more important than whatever is on my to do list. Also, that means I need to take care of my body, exercise and eat well. I'm not going to be legalistic about it, but I am going to make an effort to give my body all the things it needs to function at its best.

We are all pretty scarred emotionally from this past year. Our family needs healing. The girls need special one on one time with me to make up for all the time we lost. Mark and I need to prioritize dates so our relationship can heal. (Not that it's broken, but what we went through can leave some pretty serious scars). Healing together as a family will be a big priority for me this year, and doing whatever it takes to make us feel whole and healthy and together are things that will take center stage. 

I love my little family so much.

I also have some healing to do spiritually and individually. With my own thoughts, but also with the conversations that happen with my Heavenly Father. The mending that needs to be done cannot be done by me. But I feel I also have the responsibility to take my thoughts captive, to spend time reading truth, to memorize and repeat scripture, and to continue to pour my heart out to Jesus on a daily basis. That's all on me. Thankfully, Jesus fills in the gaps and can mend what has been broken as only He can do. 

"You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy"

Psalm 30:11

Picking one word for 2016 allows me to target what is important and drown out the noise of what is not. In other seasons, healing will not be a priority for me, but I feel like the Lord has spoken this word to me for this year and I'm clinging to it. I'm recognizing the season that I'm in, and instead of wishing for the next season and wanting more and waiting for the future, I'm going to accept where I am now, enjoy it, embrace it, and give thanks for it.

In order for me to really focus on Healing, there is a word I need to reject this year. This word will not allow me to heal, and therefore will have no place in my life in 2016:

Fear.

I will trust. I will heal. I will not fear.

And that's all the talk that word deserves.

The understatement of the century would be to call 2015 a difficult year. I could focus on all the things I lost in 2015, but that would just bring hurt instead of healing. Honestly, this year was a blur. I was barely coming out of the new baby/four kids/life is crazy fog when I was diagnosed. And then my whole day to day life became about cancer. When I look back, this will always be the "cancer year". Because there isn't really another way to describe it. But what I experienced this year is so much more than that. There were so many blessings and so much good out of this trial. But it's a relief to have 2015 over. I'm so ready to move on and put this behind me. I don't want it to define me. I want to be about more than just cancer. I want this to be a hurdle I had to overcome, not the definition of who I am.

I'm ready for you 2016. Bring on the healing. Cast out all fear.