Wrestling

This is basically going to be one big long pity party of a post. Physically, it was a really good week for me. But emotionally, it has been one of the worst. Mark and I have both hit a brick wall. The weight of all this is catching up to us and wearing us both down. I am snapping at the kids, and we are snapping at each other. We have no one else to snap at. I feel a little forgotten. The help isn't flowing in as freely as it once was, the money has stopped, and the blessings are hard to see right now. We are still getting meals every week, which is a bigger help than I think anyone will ever realize...but I still feel really alone. Things aren't clicking into place anymore. All I can see are the obstacles, the pain, the longevity of this never-ending journey. The life that this cancer took from me. A healthy, carefree life that I will never have back.

"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." 

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

I know all the things I'm supposed to believe. I know all the things I'm supposed to think about. But I want the seen things. I want the earthly. I want prosperity and blessing and comfort. I want to stop feeling like a target for all the bad things. Some people seem to coast through life and get everything handed to them, and I feel like we are limping, barely making it through each day. We struggle to pay the bills, we fight back the anger while trying to deal with the girls at the end of the hard day, we bicker and stress, we fear the future. I want to sleep constantly and I know Mark just wants me to cool it on the crazy. I so badly want to handle this with grace, but its becoming too much. My family deserves so much better. They deserve a mom who can stay awake in the afternoons and play with them. Who doesn't snap on them because she is so tired and moody ALL. THE. TIME. Mark deserves to not be so stressed all the time. He deserves a healthy and beautiful wife who doesn't need him so much. I can see how I'm scraping him dry and it kills me. This is all word vomit but I just want to be real and honest in the struggle.

I'm tired of over spiritualizing it. I know God is sovereign, I know He is in control, but that doesn't mean that this doesn't suck. I have been wrestling with God this week with my conflicting emotions. I am so grateful that I have a cancer that can be treated. But I am so angry that cancer is the card I was dealt. I am so thankful that this life isn't the end for me, that no matter WHAT I have the hope of Heaven. But I am so angry that I find myself longing for Heaven and wanting to leave this life behind because it is full of nothing but heartache and struggle. How can I be so angry and grateful at the same time? How can I have complete faith that the Lord will heal me, and still an overwhelming peace if He doesn't? I'm too human, too selfish. I am but dust....and He KNOWS that. He knows I am dust. Tired, Angry, Selfish dust. And yet the cards keep flying, and I can't help but feel like we are being punished. I can handle the sickness. But I can't handle my family being under attack like this. Yes I'm the patient, but everyone around me suffers just as much as I do. I know life isn't fair, and that we have more blessings in our life than some people dream of. I KNOW all these things. But all I FEEL is anger and resentment and grief.

I want to do better. I want to handle this better. But all I can seem to do lately is cry and pray and sleep and get more angry. If this post seems bipolar, that's because it is. I really am grateful beyond words for all the help and all the prayer. That it's JUST BREAST CANCER and not something else. But I'm so angry at the suffering and the grief and the pain of this world. That everyone has to deal with something, and right now, this is our something.

We need prayer. Obviously. We may also need counseling when all this is over. I will need it because I think I will be gripped with fear for the rest of my life. My family will need it because I am driving them absolutely insane with my mood swings and my constantly pulling the "cancer card". Clearly I will need to write multiple letters of apology for everything I have done/said/typed during this period.

Things you can pray for today and this week:
- There is a mechanical situation with Mark's car...to fix it would cost more than we paid for the car and more than the car is worth. It seems trivial to ask for prayer about a stupid car, but it's a big source of stress for us right now. We are aware it's just a car. But throw us a freaking bone right now and just pray about it.
- I'm trying to find a plastic surgeon that will take our insurance and it's proving difficult. I can't just use any plastic surgeon, but need one that specializes in reconstruction after a mastectomy. This is not your average boob job.
- Chemo is next week, and all the things that come with another chemo treatment will hit us like a ton of bricks. Pray for provision for cleaning/food/child care, strength for Mark as he tries to work and care for me, that side effects are minimal for me and that my body bounces back after all of this.
- Pray that we give each other grace. That Mark and I give each other grace, that the girls give me grace, that they don't remember all the ways I have failed them during this time, that they only remember the good.
- Pray for our momentum to return. For my desire to fight to return.
- Pray for healing. That when it comes time for the surgery, the cancer would be gone.

Thank you for praying. Thank you for not judging me too harshly for all the word vomit. Thank you for all the meals.

I know God is in this. It's just hard to see right now. I'm blinded by all the bad and I easily forget all the good.

On Sunday at church, something happened that I don't think has ever happened in the history of our church. The sermon was on valleys, what to do in the valley and what God is doing in the valleys. At the end, He had people who were going through valleys stand, and if you saw someone stand then you were to go and put your hand on them and pray out loud over them. I reluctantly stood. And people flocked and put their hands on me and Mark and prayed out loud over us. It was the most beautiful and humbling thing. The only other time someone has put their hands on me and prayed over me is right after my second miscarriage. We were heartbroken and angry, and our small group put me and two other dear friends dealing with infertility in the middle of a circle, put their hands on us and prayed out loud over us.

We all three had healthy babies the next year. One even had a set of twins. (for us, sweet Annie Faith was born from that prayer)

Prayer works, friends. I know our God listens to our cries. Even when they are angry cries that are muffled by tears and hurt. Thank you for crying out on my behalf.