I hate resolutions.

I really really hate New Year's resolutions. Mainly because I feel like I'm setting myself up for failure because I make this completely ridiculous unattainable goal that won't ever be met, thus making me feel miserable about myself and my inability to commit. So I end up not making a goal to avoid failing, but then I don't achieve anything either. It's a flawed method I admit.

Our small group has been talking the past few weeks (well before the ice storm anyway) about spiritual goals for the year and focusing on the person we want to BE instead of what we want to DO. What are we praying for this year for God to do in our lives, what kind of child of Christ do I want to be, what kind of wife do I want to be, what kind of mother do I want to be? It really got me thinking, because if you look at our past two years and focused on what we DID, you would see that the past two years in my family have really sucked. In 2009 I had to return to work and leave my baby at home because of poor financial decision from the past, I lost a baby, I was bitter and angry. Then 2010 came and I started the year off trying to control my circumstances, we lost another baby, again I was bitter and angry, Mark became unemployed.

I was complaining to Mark the other night about how terrible our past two years have been, recounting all the events and circumstances, most of which were out of our control, that caused such heartache and pain. He reminded me that yes, we have been through some very difficult times, but we have also become completely different people during those times. We became more faithful, more mature, wiser, more content, stronger people. We built a strong foundation for our marriage during those two years because we clung to each other and to our God when our circumstances continued to fail us. We saw Lucy become a brilliant, beautiful toddler, oblivious to our circumstances because of her innocence and joy. We learned how to grieve, how to rejoice, how to plan, how to have faith, and how to move on.

It makes me think about this coming year, and how even though our circumstances this year look much better than they have in years past... Mark has a job he loves and that has a lot of potential, we are expecting a baby girl in March, and we have accomplished many of the financial goals we have been working toward....its more important to focus on who I want to BE and how I react to those circumstances instead of the circumstances themselves.

So instead of a list of Do's and Don'ts for the year, I'm making a list of the kind of person I want to be.

I want to be a Christ-child who loves the Lord with all her heart, and who loves others more than herself.

I want to be a wife who supports, respects, and encourages her husband, and makes an effort to be his best friend.

I want to be a mother who is patient, slow to anger, and who neglects her housework instead of her children.

These goals aren't as tangible as losing 10 pounds or renovating a room in the house, (both things I would love to do) but they are ETERNAL goals with eternal value, and I hope the end of 2011 finds me a better person because of them.